TV romances can have a way of staying with you long after the credits roll. We may never get over Denny dying on Izzy, Ross doing *that* to Rachel on a break, and Jim finally leaving the friendzone with Pam. In the town of Rosewood, where teenagers die at an alarming rate and no one ever has a bad hair day, three romances ended Tuesday night, but frankly, we’re only going to remember one.
First there was the swift breakup hammer dropped by Aria on Liam. Thankfully, we didn’t have to spend five episodes watching Aria furrow her perfect eyebrows with worry over whether to end things with Liam now that she’s back to ‘reading poetry’ (horizontally) with Ezra. If Aria learned one thing from spending her teen years being chased by a serial killer while hiding an affair, it’s that doing both will give you early onset crows’ feet.
We called this break up last week due to the simple fact that in Aria Montgomery’s life, Liam was, at most, a footnote and one that he would likely have to edit himself. Unfortunately for all parties involved, Liam is back to working on Aria and Ezra’s book. In addition to checking their spelling and grammar, Liam is also delivering the predator speech to Ezra that’s about three seasons too late. Nice try though, Liam.
Next there was the parting of Hanna and Jordan the Aussie…the Brit…the New Zealander? We’re still not sure where he’s from, but we do know where’s he going and that’s to the pawn shop to make some money back on Hanna’s giant engagement ring. Hanna ended things with Jordan after discovering the bar where they met had been torn down. We guess it’s a sign, kinda like being kidnapped and not wanting to call your fiance after you’re safe. Hanna tells Jordan that she’s not as smart and clever as everyone thinks she is and then hands him the ring, proving her point.
Her next move is to tell Caleb that their kiss was a mistake and then to go into business with Lucas, whose crush on Hanna is getting creepier by the second. Can someone please explain what this business is going to be? From all the flashbacks we’ve seen so far, Hanna spent the last five years buying gum and booking very specific plane seats for her fashion designer boss. That does not make her Diane von Furstenberg. Time to watch Lucas lose all his money and still never (ever) get to first base with Hanna.
As for the third break up, we may be a bit early in announcing time of death, but we’re already crying over the faint pulse. Spencer continues to earn her title of Smartest Liar (except when she didn’t push Elliot on the shadiness of him treating his psych patient wife – you’re better than that, Spencer). She knows that Caleb is pulling away from her and running towards Hanna, and finally calls him out on his use of the past tense when describing their relationship. Of course, this is the moment Emily starts blowing up their phones about Ali, who we’re supposed to still care about, and nothing is resolved. This (oncoming) break up is giving us sad feels on a number of levels. Spencer and Caleb as a couple marks the first time either of them have been with someone as smart as the other (sorry Toby and Hanna). They respected one another as teens and got together as adults when they were more fully formed and knew what they were looking for in a partner. Lastly, they were really good at making coffee for one another. Finding someone who makes good coffee is not nearly as easy as it seems.
We’re still holding our breath that Spencer and Caleb may pull through, but the cream is beginning to sour in our mug.
Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars airs Tuesdays at 8E/5P on its new home on Bravo!