There are few things a loved one can do that hits as hard — or leaves as permanent a scar — as infidelity. So, if you’re currently exploring the unpredictable landscape of online dating, or sense your partner is, there are a number of sleuth-like measures one can take to spot the morally bankrupt like Sherlock himself. These following mock-profiles contain evidence, proved by a number of studies and surveys, of a cheater. You see an innocent dating profile, I see red flags that should make you run in the opposite direction. Fast.
Name: Michael Stevenson
Looking for: Dating
About Me: I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’m currently employed at a law firm, meaning I work much more than I play. However, I’m a big fan of travel (particularly in the summer) and would be happy to take one lucky gal along with me on my next journey abroad. When I’m not working, or splayed out under the sun, you can find me typing away on my smartphone to some form of social media. Because, though I hate to admit it, I’m often working even when I’m not working.
Sexually, I’ve had no complaints, and have actually been generously complimented on my package — which you may see for yourself if things go well.
First Date: I tend to prefer something classic and easy, to get conversation flowing seamlessly. Let’s head to a steakhouse or somewhere with a wide selection of desserts like the Cheesecake Factory. Then we can wash down the food with some Coronas, or, if you’re a true aficionado, a Guinness or two.
HIS RED FLAGS
Religion: Last week, AshleyMadison.com (a website that caters to affair-seekers) released an intriguing survey with regards to which religious backgrounds were most prone to seek extramarital affairs. The study found that more than one quarter of respondents were born-again Evangelist Christians. Protestants came second at 22.75 per cent, and Catholics came a close third. Coming in dead last (which, in this case, is a good thing) was Hinduism, at 0.3 per cent.
Social media: A study by the University of Missouri discovered, with assistance from the Huffington Post, that the more someone uses Twitter while in a relationship, the more marital hardships they will experience. These hardships often lead to cheating and ultimately divorce. Earlier research concerning Facebook uncovered a similar effect, though the hardships were only prevalent among couples who had been together under three years.
Vacations: It turns out, cheating has a schedule, and people prefer to commit adultery when the sun’s-a-shining. A study published in Elsevier recorded a clear pattern: from 1996 to 2001, cheating peaked during the summer every damn year. That said, those who choose to vacation without their spouse in the summer are perceived to be cheating, the study mentions.
Large genitals: The bigger the balls, the bigger the risk! Scientists over at the University of Oslo found that primates with bigger testicles were more likely to roam elsewhere for some hanky panky. And us being descendants of primates, would — presumably — behave similarly.
Restaurants choices: Another survey by — guess who — Ashley Madison revealed that those who cheat tend to take their mistresses to the following restaurants (in descending order): Fleming’s, Red Lobster, Outback Steakhouse, Chili’s, Del Frisco’s, The Cheesecake Factory, P.F. Chang’s, Houston’s, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, and Morton’s Steakhouse. Fortunately, half of these establishments aren’t available in Canada.
Beer preference: A survey by Illicit Encounters, which is an AshleyMadison-like service for Brits, found that men who prefer Guinness were most likely to cheat on their wives. Corona drinkers came in second, followed by Peroni Nastro Azzurr, San Miguel and Budweiser.
Name: Jennifer Stanford
Looking for: Dating
About Me: I’m an easygoing blonde looking for fun! I’ve been known to tend to my appearance a little too often (I LOVE shopping; I could raid Banana Republic on a daily basis) but that’s only because I think it’s important to always look your best. I make very good money, am self-sufficient, and enjoy the finer things in life. I’m rarely one to initiate the conversation, but I promise to respond if you do!
First Date: Anything that gets me dancing!
HER RED FLAGS
Age: A survey funded, again, by AshleyMadison, discovered women between the ages of 25 and 34 were most likely to seek romance outside of their marriage. Their reason for the affair was almost unanimous: their sex life was lacking, (if it even existed at all).
Hair colour: Evidently blondes do have more fun — outside of their marriage, that is. A survey by social media website Cheaterville, a forum to publicly roast your cheating ex, found that 42 per cent of their recorded cheaters possessed blonde locks.
Favourite store: AshleyMadison went as far as to survey women’s shopping habits to decipher where the unfaithful ladies flock for retail therapy. The stores, in descending order, are: H&M, Ann Taylor, Macy’s, J. Crew and, at number one, Banana Republic.
Income: Women who earn a large chunk of coin, (“large chunk” in this case representing $75,000 or more annually) were 1.5 times more likely to be unfaithful than women who earned under $30,000. This was determined by a study from the University of Washington.