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Judge rules firefighter not guilty of hit and run because he was too drunk to know he’d hit cyclist
Pro legal tip: If you need to drink and drive, just get SO drunk you can argue you didn’t even know you were driving. Or at least, that seems to be the logic behind a judge’s decision in Ottawa. Volunteer firefighter Trevor Clarke was arrested after he side-swiped a woman with his pickup truck and drove off. When officers caught up to him, Clarke’s blood alcohol level was four times the legal limit. The victim, a 45-year-old nurse, suffered a traumatic brain injury from the accident. But the judge ruled that “reasonable doubt” left him unsure over whether or not Clarke was sober enough to know he hit someone. Due to a variety of police errors made during the arrest, Clarke was even found not guilty of driving with a blood alcohol level over 0.8.

Drunk Driver

Brothel offers free sex and drinks in anti-tax protest
It’s the best deal in town, folks! The manager of Pascha bordello in Austria (where the sex industry is legal and regulated) says that city officials have been visiting his establishment relentlessly to make sure no shady business is going on while doing nothing to curb illegal forms of prostitution, and now he’s fed up. Hermann Müller estimates he’s already paid about €5 million in taxes over the past decade to prove his legitimacy. That’s why he posted a notice on his website that said “Effective immediately: Free Entrance! Free Drinks! Free Sex!” Customers have been lining up around the block ever since.

North Korea claims it has cure for MERS, Ebola and AIDS
Good one, NK! The hermit kingdom says it’s found a way to do what no other scientist has: cure MERS, Ebola, SARS and AIDS–with one miracle drug. North Korea provided no proof whatsoever to back up its claim, but said the supposed antidote was created from ginseng grown in fertilizer mixed with “rare-earth elements.” Interestingly, the country had some of the strictest controls in the world during the recent Ebola outbreak, barring tourists for half a year. This isn’t the first time North Korea has claimed to have such a drug either.

North Korea

Man accused of trying to sell albino niece for witchcraft
Police in Tanzania say a man tried to sell his niece to witch doctors so they could use her body parts for black magic. Six-year-old Margareth was abducted from her village after a gang swiped her from her mother and ran off into the woods. Fortunately though, officers were able to recover the girl unharmed before the deal went down. Which is great, because witch doctors in the area will apparently pay as much as $75,000 for a full set of albino limbs, which they use in spells that claim to bright luck, wealth and love.

Postal workers accused of writing fake Santa letters to get free gifts
Looks like a few people just made the naughty list. Federal authorities have accused three postal workers of writing fake letters to Santa to get Christmas gifts intended for poor children. The postal service’s “Operation Santa” program allows underprivileged kids to write letters to the North Pole asking for gifs. Individuals are then allowed to “adopt” the children by buying the presents for them. The three men are accused of exploiting the program to receive laptop computers, tablets, clothing and other items. All three face mail fraud and conspiracy charges.

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