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Did Magic Mike not really do it for you? Did you hate how serious that movie about male strippers was? What would have made that movie better? Probably women. More specifically, a woman named Ellen DeGeneres. Yup, that seems about right.

Poor Channing Tatum thought he could go on Ellen’s show to simply promote Magic Mike Live with the cast and then move on with his life. Nope. Not with Ellen around. Nothing is simple with Ellen. Instead of allowing a nice interview and then a performance from the cast, Ellen decided to completely revamp the entire franchise in a way only Ellen can.

Enter Magic Michelle–the better version of Magic Mike–and her band of (terrible) female stripper friends (because female reboots are all the rage right now). Olivia Munn is Honeydew, Jenna Dewan Tatum (yes, Channing’s wife) is Peppermint, Chrissy Teigen is Linda Peterson and of course, Ellen is Magic Michelle, complete with fake boobs, a mechanic’s coveralls and what looks like Ugg boots.

Watch out, these ladies have ‘all the moves and a two and a half star rating on Yelp.’ Yeah, they’re that good.

So forget about those sweaty, sculpted men. They’re not even funny. What the world really wants is Magic Michelle and her band of misfit strippers. Oh, and Oprah doing the splits in knee-high leather boots–don’t ask, just watch the video.