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Gwyneth Paltrow can be seen in Women’s Health wearing a bikini and exposing her abs. She looks great, and Gwynny Goop Goop Shabba Doo Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo says she owes her glow to things that every woman can do: laugh and have sex.

“I believe in having sex and I feel way more comfortable in a bathing suit now than I did 20 years ago,” she tells Women’s Health. Okay, we love sex, too, but we’re not slap and tickling our way to blemish-free skin, a chiseled abdomen and a healthy smile.

So, we call BS. In fact, Gwyneth has a trainer –Tracy Anderson – who keeps her motivated to do things that are not sexual, like, probably squats, box jumps and pilates.

But still, Gwyneth insists it’s the cause of her coveted beauty. “I’m not really a ‘beauty person,'” she added. “I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself.”

And yes, we believe in all of those things, too, but “not a beauty person,” Gwynny? You are a liar.

How would you explain telling us to order a $65 Stem Cellular Moisturizer or $42 kids body wash or bath salts for inner peace? Coincidence? Okay. We’ll continue. You’ve also suggested we drop $78 on Beauty Oil, $60 for a Capri Sun full of lotion, $48 for nail polish and $65 for hydrating floral essence. And what exactly is “uplifting spray” and why does it cost $32? Gwyneth, you’re either a liar or a liar. 

So, just think about that, folks, the next time you get the Goop newsletter and Goopsy here tells you to lather on some elephant semen body spray for self-actualization. And if she implores you to invest in travel-sized vagina steamers because you’re a gal on the go – well, think again.