Kim Kardashian is very rich. You might not like it, but she is. She’s richer than most people, because she capitalizes on people who are envious of her life. Her looks make money. Her endorsements make money. Her mobile game makes money. So, when she decided to conduct a master class on her makeup routine, it seemed ridiculous. Who would spend $300 to $1,000 of their own money to sit in a room and watch someone on a stage get their makeup done? It turns out a lot of people, and most of the crowd was from overseas. Like, Mongolia and Dubai far. For three hours (three hours), Kim and her makeup artist Mario walked people through her routine. Her 50-step routine. Here it is. Every last infuriating detail:
1. Use wet wipes on your face if you’ve got hair spray on it. Just wipe that mug of yours clean off.
3. Brush your brows, girl. With Anastasia Beverly Hills #14 ($27.50).
4. Time to get creamed, baby. With cream foundation. You’re advised to use Giorgio Armani #7 and #9 ($132 total) mixed. But you can also use Bobbi Brown Stick Foundation ($57.50). Then you take an It Cosmetics Double-Ended Brush ($63) to apply. For heavier application, the Trish McEvoy brush ($73) is recommended.
5. Now it’s time to set your face to blend. Take a damp beauty blender ($26) sponge and blend the heck out of the foundation. Apparently, Kim likes to blend up the neck to avoid wrinkles.
6. Add POREfessional Agent Zero ($39) shine powder under your eyes. You will apply a concealer there later. (That’s a spoiler.)
7. Put on some MAC Lip Balm ($21). Pucker up, cutie.
8. Use a MAC Powder Puff ($16) underneath the eyes to protect the area. You’ll be working on that area, so get it together.
9. Now it’s time for Anastasia Brow Wiz in Medium Brown ($27.50) in the outer corners of your eye. Use a lighter colour ($27.50) toward the nose.
10. This is only step 10. Are you dying? Okay, use Anastasia Brow Pro Palette ($100) to fill in the ol’ brow.
13. Grab So Hollywood by Anastasia Beverly Hills. This highlighter isn’t even available to the public yet, as it is out in August. But you need it? But you probably also do not.
15. For the outer corners of your eyes, use Kevyn Aucoin eye pigment ($63).
16. Time for shadow! Dolce Vita Eyeshadow by Charlotte Tillbury ($174). Put it on, y’all!
18. Using the same brush, paint on Anastasia Cream Colour in Jet ($23.50).
19. Now’s the moment you get your curl on. Use a Surratt Eyelash Curler ($39). Apparently Kim prefers this to a Shu Uemura curler.
20. Ready to camouflage? Okay. Take your Dermacolour Camouflage System concealers ($38). Kimberley Kardashian uses a combination of D1, D50 and D51.
22. Put more of the POREfessional stuff from earlier on your undereyes and let set.
23. Use Scorch by Urban Decay eyeliner ($24) under your eyes.
24. Take a Charlotte Tillbury Rock n Kohl Barbarella Brown Eyeliner Pencil ($42) and draw that stuff on.
25. Using a Lorac #103 brush (this doesn’t appear to be available on the Internet anywhere, so use something else), blend the bottom liner.
26. Here’s where you take the So Hollywood Illuminator (available late August) with an e46 Sigma brush ($18) to the inner corner of your eye.
29. More Bootblack liner. This girl likes her eyes lined.
30. Now you add a new palette. This time it is Vintage Vamp by Charlotte Tillbury ($84).
31. Waterproofing time! Use Cargo Swimmable Eye Pencil in Secret Beach ($19) in the inner eye.
32. Blend the product with a Sigma E17 brush ($18). Blending appears to be a very crucial component of this bloody 50-step process.
33. Fix your s–t. With MAC studio fix powder ($35).
34. Put on some Red Cherry lashes ($16). Seriously, this is the most ludicrously painful beauty routine we have ever heard of, and this is literally only her face.
35. If you can’t find Red Cherry lashes, you can use Elegant Lashes ($9.50 for a pack of three). Who doesn’t want to look elegant?
36. You must not accept any substitutes for this step. You must use Black DUO lash glue ($9). If you don’t use this, you have wasted your life and your time? Who knows.
37. Grab your Anastasia Precision Tweezers ($37) to pick up the lashes with the Black DUO lash glue. Apply ’em carefully. Be ginger.
38. You’re finally ready to contour. You’re going to use Benefit Hoola ($28) for this. Seriously, it took 37 steps before you got to the Kardashian look people actually care about. That’s absurd.
39. Take a Trish Mcevoy 2B Sheer brush ($64) to apply.
40. For your nose, and only your nose, you’re going to want to reach for the Anastasia Beverly Hills Contour Kit ($52). The bottom shade is for your nose contouring.
41. Apply with Vincent Longo #22 Large Eyeshadow Brush ($26). This is for application and sculpting.
42. Use the highlight from Filmstar Bronze and Glow by Charlotte Tillbury ($105).
43. So Hollywood (AGAIN) on your cheekbones (again, available late August).
44. Grab Watts Up Highlighter by Benefit ($30). It’s a cream highlighter.
45. Reach for a blush! But not blush wine. Not yet. There are still six steps left, silly. Too Faced Love Flush Blush in I Will Always Love You ($36) is the blush you want, and you’re going to apply it with a Trish McEvoy #48 Blending Brush ($64) and Sigma E35 Tapered Blending Brush ($21).
46. Kevyn Aucoin Lip Pencil in Medium ($33).
47. Preo Eyelash Curler ($29) from Japan. It’s for curling small sections.
48. Five Tom Ford lipsticks ($340 for five) mixed together. And they are all custom-made, so figure this out on your own.
49. Spray with MAC FIX+.
50. Pull out your TATCHA Blotting Papers ($16), but only if you need ’em to blot oil.
Total: $2561.50. For your face. For your face to look one way. And in fact it will be more money once the products that aren’t available now come onto the market. So, it’s more than $2,500 no matter what and that is literally stupid.