How to navigate difficult discussions with aging parents

Our parents give so much to us throughout our lives. But as we age, they do too. Over time things change, responsibilities shift, and you might start to feel that you have now become the parent and caregiver. This opens the door for difficult adjustments and tricky conversations. So, how do we deal with these often difficult discussions? Best-selling author and psychologist Catherine Gildiner shares her tips.

DEAL WITH DENIAL

Denial of old age is one of the first and major barriers we might face with our parents. So how can we better understand this hesitation to accept old age? Well, aging is a losing battle. Most people spend huge amounts of their limited energy denying old age. The more control you used to have, the harder it will be to age, since aging is kind of like a loss of control. A large amount of anxiety and depression among the elderly is due to fighting that losing battle of aging.

KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO HAVE THE TALK ABOUT DRIVING

There are certain tasks that become dangerous for our parents to keep doing as they age, but pride gets in the way of acceptance. Driving is a big example. Sometimes it can be hard to know when it’s time to step in versus letting them come to terms with that reality on their own. However, you don’t want to wait until they have a car accident to step in. That’s dangerous to them and the others on the road. Try to empathize, think about how you would feel if you thought you were fine and someone said to you, “You are mentally incompetent and you can no longer drive.” You would feel that it’s an insult, and a humiliating loss of control.In this situation it’s best to use what is called LEAP:

• Listening (Listen to them when they say they need to get to a certain place)
• Empathizing (Empathize with their situation, say that it must be tough to not be able to drive)
• Agreeing (Agree that it is an unfortunate thing that they are no longer able to drive)
• Partnering (Partner with them by identifying their need to get places and helping them get there, either by driving them or organizing someone else to get them to where they need to be)

VISIT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

We tend to place so much of the burden on ourselves when it comes to our parents care. We assume that we should be with our parents as much as possible, and that they want us visiting all the time. Visiting as often as possible is good; however, with jobs, children and the rest of everyday life it can get hard to do. But keep in mind that these visits don’t have to be extensive. They want to be included and have social interaction. What is important is to be in contact as often as you can.

DON'T BE CONDESCENDING

This is a conversation that will be long-term and ever-evolving, but as a general rule of thumb, avoid sounding condescending as we navigate these discussions. Throughout all of this process, do not use ‘elder speak’ – simple sentences bordering on baby talk.Here’s an example to help illustrate: Mick Jagger is 76. Willie Nelson is 85. If you sat next to them on a plane, would you ask about their music or would you use elder speak and raise your voice and speak slowly, saying things like “Careful now, that coffee is HOT”? Think of everyone you talk to as having lived a full life. They are not just the old frail person you may see in front of you now.

GIVE RELATIONSHIP BREAKS

As our parents get older, they tend to make their world smaller and smaller. We witness their relationships unravelling, including with one another. What’s happening here is that parents are spending way more time together than they had initially planned. When they were younger and working, they were together for maybe four waking hours. Now it’s 24. People deteriorate at different rates. What you once relied on the other one to do –they might no longer be competent to do it. They argue, often because they are frightened. Who will do these tasks? As people age, their ability to hold their anger in deteriorates just as many of their other capacities deteriorate. It’s called “poor impulse control”, and is a sign of brain deterioration. One solution is for them to take a break from each other. It’s amazing what four hours away from one another can do to restore relationships. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Familiarity breeds contempt.

ENCOURAGE SOCIALIZATION

Having people over to their house is another good way to keep them social and give them a break from each other when they need it. If people are embarrassed by their memory loss, remember that memory loss is often worse at specific times (i.e. at night or when the elder person is most fatigued). Encourage people to join in groups. Organize family so you can all go visit at different times rather than all at once. Teach them the new way of how to do things on their own. For example, teach them how to use Uber or taxis, and send them out. This isn’t extravagant; it’s actually less annual upkeep than a car.

EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY

Technology is also a great way to keep our parents stimulated and connected to others. If you can, teach them before they get too old to learn new things. However, they can either be resistant to learning about new tech or admittedly, pretty frustrating to teach. If your parents are still mentally well, it’s a great chance to teach them technology while they are fully able to learn. That being said, children teaching parents tasks can be humiliating for the parent. As a general rule, anyone who is not emotionally involved is a far better option.

LOOK OUT FOR SIGNS OF DEPRESSION

Depression is extremely prominent among the elderly, but depression looks very different in an elderly person than in younger people. Late-life depression affects about six-million Canadians ages 65 and older. While more than 20 per cent are depressed, only half of those people will receive treatment for depression. The likely reason is that you can attribute fatigue and weakness to old age when they are in fact symptoms of depression. In the elderly, depression often occurs with other medical illnesses and disabilities and lasts longer. Some signs of depression in your parents that you can look out for:

• They do not answer the phone or door
• They lose interest in activities they used to enjoy doing
• Has trouble making decisions
• They sleep poorly, or too much
• They complain about physical symptoms that do not have a direct cause

Talking about depression

If we observe these symptoms of depression in our parents, the best thing to do is to keep the communication open. Don’t just tell them that they are depressed and need to go outside, but suggest a reason to go out or a specific activity that will interest them. It is better to say “you are needed” rather than “you are depressed and need help”.

TALK ABOUT ASSISTED LIVING

Go with your gut on the timing when it comes to moving your loved one into an assisted living residence. However, you can use this unfortunate event as an opportunity to give your loved one a gentle reality check. Professional in-home care and a personal alarm are sufficient for some seniors to remain at home safely. But if they are alone or their spouse is frail, there’s no one to help them in case they fall and can’t set off their alarm. Meals become a chore, so some seniors stop eating. Their memory may be failing, so the stove doesn’t get turned off. An elder who stubbornly clings to the idea that their familiar home is the best for them is often a sad and lonely sight. Suggestion: Plant the seed. Then let it sit for a while: Take them for a visit. Have a tour. What they imagine might be an old folk’s storage lodge where people are out-of-it and neglected. Show them that this is not the case. Show interest in how much privacy residents have. Ask about bringing furniture from home and how much space there is in each room. Take a measuring tape and visualize how your love one’s apartment could be set up and decorated. Demonstrate the same level of excitement as you would if you were helping your parent move to a new apartment, because that’s exactly what you are doing.[video_embed id= '6124352488001']RELATED: New assisted living advancements are a game-changer for seniors living with Alzheimer’s[/video_embed]