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Terry Richardson, the racy A-list photographer who usually shoots his subjects half-naked, is having twins. He’s also an alleged pervert, but that’s another story. Terry held a baby shower for his girlfriend Alexandra Bolotow, and it was, let’s say, an affair to remember. To start, Martha Stewart attended, no doubt gifting the couple with a Jacadi embroidered romper, a Petit Bateau cashmere knit sweater and a couple of pairs of alpaca leggings for babies. We can’t confirm these gifts, we merely suspect. We can confirm she was there, because here she is fraternizing with a penis:

Me, Martha Stewart and a penis balloon 👌🏻

A photo posted by juliana balestin (@balestin) on

As one knows, fraternizing with dong is what needs to occur to have a baby the old-fashioned way. (Yeah, yeah, Virgin Mary, whatever.) So, talk about attention to detail in the party planning department, right? Martha doesn’t even seem intimated by its girth, which shows, to us at least, that she’s a very good guest. Such a good guest, in fact, that the Queen of All Table Centerpieces stopped to pose with Terry and his girlfriend, a woman he affectionately calls “Skinny.” Martha doesn’t seem the least bit put off by her crop-top reading “I Should Have Swallowed.” Food for thought.

👶🏻👶🏻

A photo posted by juliana balestin (@balestin) on

We understand that this baby shower is very in-your-face about how edgy it is, so we’re going to take a break for a second to bring you this soothing and adorable image of a girl falling asleep with her puppy. Her puppy is wearing costume jewelry and a lavender boa. Honestly, it’s the only way to survive at this point.

Thinkstock

Alright, you recharged? We’ll continue with the shower, then. So, yes, Martha was there, and there were dicks strewn throughout. The expectant mother even wore an elegant crop-top with a motivational saying on it. But the fun did not stop there. Imagine for a second the most elegant table: gilded plates, fine crystal glasses and a bowl of lemons, perhaps. That was not at this party.

🎈🎉🍭

A photo posted by Terry Richardson (@terryrichardson) on

Instead of petit fours and canapes, guests were served a menu of condoms and penis-shaped lollipops. The daring and confident could pose for photographs wearing Terry-esque faux glasses, with, you guessed it, more dicks. The nose was a dick, isn’t that just grand? The table cloth had the phrase “let’s party” printed on it, but it also featured genitalia, as is custom. Marvelous.

💦💦💦

A photo posted by Terry Richardson (@terryrichardson) on

If you were lucky enough to attend this sophisticated night, you were sent home with an exclusive parting gift: more condoms. The condoms featured an image of the sonogram and the rather witty statement, “cumming soon [emoji] [emoji].” It’s a wonder how anyone will be able to talk about anything but this shower for years to come, is it not? But you need another break from all of this shocking behaviour, so let’s take a moment to reflect on something cute, like these two babies swaddled in a loose-knit blanket, wearing crocheted bunny eat hats and resting comfortably together on a white shag rug:

babies

Aw, that’s nice, right? Okay, great. Now look at the cake, designed to include Alexandra made out of fondant, lying naked and giving birth to twins who look like Terry Richardson. What a nice smile.

Such a fun baby shower yesterday! We were so touched by all the love and good vibes (and this great cake!) 👶🏻🍰👶🏻

A photo posted by Terry Richardson (@terryrichardson) on

And there you have it. This baby shower was exactly what you’d expect from Terry Richardson – it was dumb and gross. But at least you know now to take a break, look at cute animals and babies, and then proceed to look at the horror show that was this baby shower. Those emotional gaps are essential to this recap, and most things in life. Congratulations to the happy couple, and to your incoming twins.