Getting dirty over texts is more commonplace than you think. It not only adds mystery but can act like a slow turn-on until the next time you meet up with your lover. However, there are some texts that should never ever see the “send” button. Here are a couple of rules you should keep in mind when sexting:
1. Poor spelling and/or abbreviations: While it may seem sacrilegious to inform a woman who’s actually sexting that she’s doing it wrong, the truth of the matter is there’s nothing less appealing than a woman who either can’t spell or abbreviates terms to the point where her message requires a second or third take. Touch screen phones with full keyboards are the norm now, and laziness is no longer accepted. “Yer sew trnd on rite now?” Great. That makes one of us.
2. Never ever use “lol”: If things get a little too heated for you during a sexting session, never, ever type “lol”, “lmao”, “lmmfao” or any acronym associated with laughter. It will kill his boner quicker than mom entering the room during a jerk-off session. If you get uncomfortable with the conversation, get suggestive with him instead, saying things like “last night was amazing, I can’t wait for round two.”
3. Don’t make sextual promises you can’t keep: In the heat of the moment, you might type things you don’t want him to take seriously — but he will, guaranteed. Be careful what you promise in your sexts, because while you may regard sexting as fantastical, he doesn’t, and will mention your in-the-moment perversions the next time you two get physical.
4. Don’t lie for the sake of fantasy: If you two are already well acquainted, he’s going to know what you’re willing and not willing to do. Don’t try to set up some unlikely setting where he’s going at you from behind while he knows full well your back door is always closed. This will turn him off because he wants this to seem like the real thing, and you’re just getting his hopes up.
5. Emojis are not punctuation: If you’re sexting properly, the usage of a winking emoji shouldn’t be necessary. Women tend to overuse the cartoon images when flirting, as tone isn’t best conveyed through text alone, but the last thing a man wants to see while he’s tending to his package is Pac Man giving a thumb’s up. Visual aids are always encouraged (but not recommended—from a professional standpoint), but that’s not the kind he’s suggesting.
1) Don’t make it an anatomy lesson: Bleh! Am I in grade nine health class all over again? DON’T use clinical or technical terms for any of your appendages or lady bits. It just kills the mood. Is this sex or a pelvic exam? If you really need some euphemisms, go to urban dictionary and have a field day. Keep it fun, not formal. Just use the most common slang for your body parts, okay?
2) Don’t be corny: Sometimes, making a girl laugh is a good way to get in her pants. But it’s never good to make her laugh at your sack skills. (Trust me, she’s already doing it behind your back with her girlfriends). Being cheesy is sometimes acceptable when flirting, but once your joke involves comparing your penis to any type of food, just stop. The bedroom is the one place you don’t want her laughing before things begin. Plus you stand a good chance of just coming off as sleazy. And you just ruined sausage for me. Thanks.
3) No dick pictures. EVER: DEAR GOD, NEVER DO THIS!!! There’s no angle that makes a dick selfie look good. Penises are not pretty, and no photo filter can ever change that. You can a) stand in front of the mirror and flex, or b) take an ass shot, if you’ve been doing a lot of squats. No junk photos, ever. Women are not as visual as men. It’s not going to turn us on. We know you’ve got one, so there’s no need to ruin the surprise. Send us a text about how much you appreciate us instead and you’ll probably have better luck getting laid.
4) Be straightforward: Err…umm…did you just suggest we partake in some kind of inter-species erotica? This is just too confusing and immature. Nothing is sexier than being clear and direct with your sexts. You can be graphic and explicit, or you can be subtle and mysterious. Just don’t be an emoji fanatic.
5) Don’t sext when drunk: The classic drunk sext: sometimes charming, often annoying, and generally ineffective. If you’re so drunk even auto-correct can’t help you, you’re probably too drunk to get me off. There’s also the increased chance you will have a terrible case of “whiskey dick” (A.K.A. a “limp noodle”, or a “performance issue”, or a “This never happens to me!” moment). While enjoying a little social lubricant never hurt anybody, collapsing on top of an innocent women and then vomiting on her can. Cut yourself off before you sext, or just go home and sleep it off. Nobody likes a taffy pull. Try your luck again in the morning, but be prepared to buy brunch first!