Having a conversation about race with your kids is undoubtedly challenging, but they are conversations that must be had. While approaching these topics, especially with young children, is not easy, psychologist and author
Beverly Daniel Tatum shared some insight on how to have them with the kids. She specializes in racial identity development, and is also the author of ‘Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race'.Find Beverly's advice below, and watch the video above for more!
WHEN DO KIDS PERCEIVE RACIAL DIFFERENCE?
Babies as young as six months perceive difference. They stare at some faces longer than others, and infants can recognize racial difference. When kids become verbal, around the age of two to three, they’re then able to ask questions, and they do. ‘Why does that person look that way?’ ‘Why is that person’s skin dark?’Unfortunately, parents who are unequipped or unprepared to respond will sometimes shut that conversation down rather than try to answer the question. For example, if a young child says ‘Mom, why is that person so dark?’, parents might feel embarrassed and want to hush their child. But that is the wrong instinct, and creates a dynamic of silence around race rather than open conversation.
BEING 'COLOUR SILENT'
The attempt to raise kids as ‘colour blind’ often results in them becoming ‘colour silent’. Kids do see difference and they comment on it. No child is colour blind unless they have a visual impairment. There’s nothing wrong with saying a person is Black, and we shouldn’t be teaching shame around this. When you say ‘don’t ever say that’, what you’re saying is, 'don’t comment on what you see’, so you stop talking about it altogether, creating a harmful silence around race.There is nothing wrong with observing that somebody’s skin is brown, any more than it would be to say someone has blonde hair. It’s a physical characteristic. The question is, what value is being ascribed to it, or is it being devalued?[video_embed id='1979938']RELATED: Writer calls for white and non-Black POC parents to talk to their kids about racism[/video_embed]
GRASPING RACISM
How can we explain racism in a way younger kids can grasp? It’s important to remember that the human brain continuously develops into teenage years and our early 20s. As it changes and grows, it’s able to process more abstract ideas. The 5-year old brain doesn’t think abstractly. That’s the issue we need to consider– what is the brain ready to take in?When talking to 5-year old for example, talk in tangible, concrete terms. You can talk to 5-year old about the fact that people have been treated unfairly. For example, ‘If I had cookies and gave them all to your brother and none to you, would that be fair? If I had cookies and only gave them to people who were white, would that be fair? No, it’s not fair. Racism is kind of like that. It’s like saying, we’re going to let white people have more of the good things, and not give as many of good things to people of colour.’
RACISM AT SCHOOL
Children can experience racism first-hand at school. It’s a hurtful thing - you can have a conversation around, ‘How did it make you feel? I understand that you felt bad. I wish that it hadn’t happened. But sometimes that does happen, sometimes people have prejudices’. You can’t make the child invite your kid to the birthday party, that’s not the answer. So you have to listen, help them process their feelings, and say ‘I know it’s disappointing, but maybe we can do something fun together on that day.’You don’t know the source of racism in the situation - it could be the parents. So if they ask ‘why is it that people don’t like Black people?’, you can answer that question by saying, ‘some people are confused, and they don’t understand that all human beings are created equal. You are bright and smart and this shouldn’t have happened to you.’
HAVING 'THE TALK'
How you talk about it needs to be age appropriate, but particularly when things are happening in the news, even young children will have questions, and you should have these conversations. Let’s say a four to five year old child asks about police. The odds of that child being out in the world alone are slim, so the conversation with that child is likely to be along lines of: ‘The police officers we’re hearing about now did something bad, but most police officers are trying to help us. And thank goodness they are, remember last winter when police helped us change the tire on the highway?. But sometimes things go awry and what’s unfair is that these things happen more frequently to Black people.’When kids get older, they may ask, ‘what if the police try to hurt me’? Even a white child might ask, ‘aren’t police supposed to help us?’. Parents can say most police are trying to help you, but some have done and are doing bad things. For a child of colour, you could say: if you find yourself in an interaction with a police officer, be aware that there are some potential risks in that interaction. Keep hands visible, always be polite, respond to questions as asked. Parents have to talk to children about this.
GROWING UP IN NON-DIVERSE COMMUNITIES
What can parents do to counteract their kids growing up in a non-diverse, homogeneous community? It is certainly important to walk your talk, if you can. If a family is in a homogenous community but they want their kids to appreciate diversity, try to import that diversity. You can do this by reading books together that celebrate diversity of the human family. But remember, this doesn’t always have to be books about problems - seek out books and movies and shows around children of colour doing ordinary things too.However, it’s much better to see that appreciation of diversity up close and in person. If you have a diverse group of friends, invite them over and give your kids a lived experience of diversity, which is much better than talking theoretically.[video_embed id='1973907']BEFORE YOU GO: Police officer says he is balancing a 'duality of roles' as a cop and a Black man[/video_embed]
