Fashion can be seriously over-the-top. Sure, you have editorials presenting clothing as “aspirational” even though they’re so out of reach, but even the people who make up the fashion community can be ridiculous.
And we’re not just talking about Karl Lagerfeld, who is certainly bizarre, what with his immensely privileged cat. Or Anna Wintour, who rarely takes off her sunglasses and has had the same bob haircut since she was 15.
Today isn’t about them. Today is about the very real and laughably specific party invitation Marc Jacobs sent out for New York Fashion Week.
The invitation begins by stating that a “STRICT DRESS TO KILL CODE WILL BE ENFORCED.” And before you start wondering what a STRICT DRESS TO KILL CODE is (hint: it does not involve murder), Jacobs tells us.
It means “FUR COATS OVER LINGERIE” or “LIP GLOSS.” But it could also mean “JERRY HALL SIDE-SWEPT HAIR,” “SEQUINS” or “GOLD LAMÉ TURBANS.”
We’re keeping the all-caps in because a) that’s actually how it was written and b) it’s humourous to imagine a well-regarded fashion designer yelling at you to wear nothing but lip gloss and a smile.
But the suggestions don’t stop there — and they get increasingly more specific. He suggests “PATTI HEARST SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY GEAR” or “ROGUE” or “ROLLERINA CHIC.”
We’re not sure how “ROGUE” means anything in terms of a look, but perhaps Jacobs is just a huge fan of the X-Men franchise. If you haven’t found your style among the listed options, do not fret. There’s more:
Also permitted are “SHEER HAREM PANTS” or “MINI SKIRTS AND MUSCULAR LEGS” or “PLATINUM RECORDS AS HEAD GEAR.” And “GRACE JONES BUTCH REALNESS,” “GLOSS-Y SKIN,” “BLEACHED EYEBROWS,” “SLITS,” “RIDING IN ON A WHITE HORSE” and “EYES OF LAURA MARS CHIC.”
While all of the approved looks listed are either confusing, avant-garde, hilarious or kind of stupid, they are nothing if not inclusive of the let-your-freak-flag-fly set. As for what Jacobs does not want at his party above all else is one thing: “NO NATURAL LOOKS.” Get your natural look out of here. Throw a quart of lip gloss all over your body, dump a bucket of sequins on your muscular legs and show us what rollerina chic looks like (because we literally have no idea).