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Popstar Kelly Clarkson is opening up about her journey to self-acceptance. In a recent sit-down interview with Attitude magazine, the singer shared some heart-breaking insights into some of the darkest moments of her career.

“When I was really skinny, I wanted to kill myself,” she said. “I was miserable, like, inside and out, for four years of my life. But, no one cared, because aesthetically you make sense.”

The Since U Been Gone singer, now 35, skyrocketed to fame after winning the first ever season of American Idol, 15 years ago. Pretty much from the get-go, she was pressured into losing weight to resemble her pop contemporaries. Clarkson, however, who already battled with bulimia in high school, felt the impact. “I thought the only way out was quitting. I, like, wrecked my knees and my feet, because all I would do is put in headphones and run… I was at the gym all the time.”

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In time, however, she decided to push back. “There’s a song on My December called ‘Sober.’ There’s this line—‘picked the weeds but kept the flowers’—and I just live my life by that, because you are who you surround yourself with. I was around some really negative people, and I got out of it because I had a lot of great people there, too. It was a case of turning around, facing them and walking toward the light,” she said, describing some of the changes she made to her management team over the last few years.

This isn’t the first time she’s talked about her weight and body image. Two years ago, she told Redbook magazine, “I don’t obsess about my weight, which is probably one of the reasons why other people have such a problem with it. There are just some people who are born skinny and with a great metabolism–that is not me,” she honestly offered.

Now happily married and a mother of two, Clarkson seems to have found her groove — and all power to her.