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What on earth is in the complimentary water they’re handing out on flights this week?

For the second time in recent days, a passenger jet was forced to land abruptly due to unruly passengers on board. In the most recent incident, a Cuba-bound Sunwing flight turned back to Toronto – complete with fighter jet escort – after two women downed their duty-free purchases, lit up cigarettes in the washroom, got into a fight with each other and then made a threat against the aircraft. Congrats ladies, you created a scene worthy of military intervention!

Most of us have flown on a plane before and know there are official rules when doing so. There are things a traveller should never ever do while in transit, and those rules need to be obeyed. Deviate and you might find yourself being the object of 200-or-so concurrent death stares as you’re hauled off a flight. Going to jail ain’t no vacation.

But seeing as this is the second time in days, let us review the three basic rules of travelling that were clearly ignored here:

1. Duty free for Canadians is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD

Despite what George might believe (see 0:58 below), duty free purchases are honkin’ money-saving deals and should be treated as so. These purchases need to be savoured, enjoyed and treated with respect, not chugged before even touching down. Yes, it is painful to reach below your seat for the credit card in your bag when the chair in front of you is infringing on your personal space, but if you’re dedicated enough, you’ll make it happen. Pay for the ridiculously over-priced glass of lousy booze and be satisfied knowing you can drink that discounted bottle when you get home.

2. No really, those smoke-thingies work

Yes, smoke detectors are a relatively new invention, but they’re really great at doing one thing: detecting fires. Especially tiny fires lit directly beneath them. In fact, airlines are so proud of these neat little devices that they advertise them to their customers during the customary pre-flight announcements. So if you find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, this particular detector isn’t working, we’ll save you the wonder: it is. They haven’t allowed smoking on flights for almost 20 years, they’re not going to change that now.

ryan-started-the-fire-gif

3. The appearance of Tom Cruise is a very bad sign

If you think your flight is special because you’re getting an escort from mean-lookin’ fighter jets, it’s true… if you’re the President of the United States. Or possibly the Prime Minister of Canada. You, on the other hand, are just another passenger going from A to B. So while it might be neat to peer out your window and think you’ve just caught a glimpse of Tom Cruise rehearsing for Top Gun 2, the reality is that the sudden appearance of fighter jets alongside you is nothing short of bad news. If they’re just coming to escort you back to your departure city, consider yourself lucky. So go back to your seat, sit down and quietly think about what you’ve done. You’re gonna have a lot of explainin’ to do.

archer