If you’ve ever followed the Golden Globes, you know that the winners are unpredictable at best. After all, the star-studded ceremony is known to invite almost anyone who will come to the party to begin with, which accounts for all of the haphazard nominations. Still, it’s a night of swank, sorrow and snark, as any good awards show tends to be. So follow along with us as we cobble together plenty of all those things, all the while updating the winners for you so that you can keep track of those ballots at home.
Sounds kosher? Good. And so we’re off!
BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Mad Max: Fury Road
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Yes. Yes this will be the year of Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he should have won for in the past. If that’s how this night is going to end then we have to say that we’re down. It might have been long, and it may have gotten weird, but when Leo walks away with one of the best gifs of the night and two awards, we’re going to go ahead and call it a success.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
Will Smith, Concussion
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Could this actually be the year Leo wins an Oscar? If this win is any indication we’re going to go with heck yes. And maybe it’s about time. While The Revenant wasn’t our favourite DiCaprio flick, we’re just super happy to see him get some love. Sorry Will Smith. You’re still cool too.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Brie Larson, Room
Rooney Mara, Carol
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
IMMEDIATE REACTION: If we admitted to having goosebumps over this win would you judge us? Because um, well we do. Not only is it awesome to see someone from a Canadian movie win one of these statues, but the movie rocked us to our very core. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet please do so. Immediately.
BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
The Big Short
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Guess who just got robbed? Amy Schumer and Trainwreck. (Does that make the Globes a trainwreck?) When even the director begins his speech with “Comedy?” you know that something is a little off with the category. Oh well, the movie itself was still pretty damned good. Just not, you know, laugh-out-loud funny. More like, cry, laugh and try not to crap your pants when Matt Damon is blasted into space without a full spaceship.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Amy Schumer, Trainwreck
Melissa McCarthy, Spy
Maggie Smith, The Lady in the Van
Lily Tomlin, Grandma
IMMEDIATE REACTION: We’re almost out of words here. Again, nothing at all against Jennifer Lawrence, but we were really pulling for some love for Amy Schumer here. Is there such a thing as too much J-Law? Okay, no. Not if she ends a speech about wanting to be buried together with someone random she loves.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Eva Greene, Penny Dreadful
Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Robin Wright, House of Cards
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Is it just us, or does Taraji P. Henson look better every single time we see her? Sure, we were kind of leaning towards Viola Davis (the gal knows how to get away with murder, after all), but who doesn’t want to celebrate the near-end of these Globes with a little Cookie?
BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Game of Thrones
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Would it be wrong if we said we secretly hoped John Krasinski’s beard won this award? In all seriousness though, Mr. Robot seems to be the show of the year. Who knew that hackers could be so sexy? Still, we wouldn’t have minded hearing the Game of Thrones theme song pop up once more here…
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LIMITED-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Kirsten Dunst, Fargo
Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
Sarah Hay, Flesh and Bone
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Queen Latifah, Bessie
IMMEDIATE REACTION: How do you not applaud Lady Gaga for winning an award for her very first time acting in a TV show? It’s impossible not to. Although we kind of equally love whoever yelled, “Cry Gaga!” as she slinked to the stage.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Aziz Ansari, Master of None
Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Rob Lowe, The Grinder
Patrick Stewart, Blunt Talk
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
IMMEDIATE REACTION: If you want proof that Aziz Ansari should have won this award, look no further than his AWESOME closeup shot when they announced his name as a nominee. (Yes, that was a Losing Gracefully to Jeffrey Tambor book he was reading there.) Bernal’s win just had us wondering how much money Amazon actually gave to the Globes.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Paul Dano, Love and Mercy
Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Michael Shannon, 99 Homes
Sylvester Stallone, Creed
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Wow. Wow. Just wow. The fact that Sly got a standing ovation speaks volumes to the fact that he should have definitely won for Rocky all those years ago. Should he have won here? Maybe, maybe not. But sometimes awards are meant to be retroactive, we suppose. Idris, you’ll win one soon dude.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Steve Carell, The Big Short
Matt Damon, The Martian
Al Pacino, Danny Collins
Mark Ruffalo, Infinitely Polar Bear
IMMEDIATE REACTION: That’s it. This is the end of categories as we know it. We’ve seen The Martian as we have to say, even though there were some funny lines, that’s like saying Castaway was a comedy and giving Wilson the Volleyball Best Supporting Actor. We’re so sorry for comedians everywhere.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Wagner Moura, Narcos
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Well what do you know — the Globes were actually unpredictable by NOT picking a new actor to win this category. We would have put money on Rami Malek or Wagner Moura, but the thing is this: it was Jon Hamm’s last year to win now that Mad Men is over. So we tip our fedoras to this choice.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, LIMITED-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Damien Lewis, Wolf Hall
Ben Mendelson, Bloodline
Tobias Menzies, Outlander
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Lady Gaga presenting an award is almost as good as any award itself (she cleans up so nice, does she not?) but we were totally going for Alan Cumming or Tobias Menzies here. Although… okay. We’ve been hoping Christian Slater’s career would reboot for a while now, ever since he became a TV show killer. And Mr. Robot is probably the most critically acclaimed show even nominated tonight. So we’re down.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LIMITED-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Idris Elba, Luther
Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
David Oyelowo, Nightingale
Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall
Patrick Wilson, Fargo
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Here’s the thing. We LOVED Show Me a Hero. And Oscar Isaac was phenomenal in it. But HOW much of his winning this award was because the dude was in Star Wars? Seriously?
BEST LIMITED-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
American Horror Story: Hotel
Flesh and Bone
IMMEDIATE REACTION: We’re thinking of officially renaming this awards show the, “Give Awards to Shows We’ve Never Heard Of Globes.” Sure, we’ve heard of the books, but where would we even watch Wolf Hall? Oh, right… no where. Since it doesn’t air in Canada unless you get special PBS stations. There’s being different and on pointe, and then there’s just being random.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Mozart in the Jungle
Orange Is the New Black
IMMEDIATE REACTION: If you listened to Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard award Mozart in the Jungle this award and said, “what??” then you were probably in our living room. Want to know how funny the show actually is? About as funny as the producer reading from that piece of paper funny. (Okay, to be fair we haven’t even really heard of it, but if this is our first impression it wasn’t really a good one, now was it?)
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Jamie Lee Curtis, Scream Queens
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Gina Rodrgiuez, Jane the Virgin
Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie
IMMEDIATE REACTION: Can we all just agree that Andy Samberg is funny in small doses? His goofy shtick is all right, and we’ll give him that Tom Hanks joke, but the rest? Meh. Thankfully Rachel Bloom is cute as heck, and totally showed us why she was the perfect choice to be cast as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. (Speed talker, much?) Also, it’s safe to assume now that even though the show has like, zero ratings, it will be back for Season 2. Way to keep going with the newbies, Globes.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A SERIES, LIMITED-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Joanna Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Regina King, American Crime
Judith Light, Transparent
Maura Tierney, The Affair
IMMEDIATE REACTION: All right, so J-Lo and The Rock were way more professional than Hill and Tatum… mind you neither of them dressed as a bear. And even though there were a ton of great ladies in this category, we were secretly hoping for Maura Tierney. She deserves ALL the awards as far as we’re concerned. But that’s mostly thanks to the fact that her character, Helen, married the biggest jerk store on television. (We can’t really blame her though — have you seen those abs?)
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Jane Fonda, Youth
Helen Mirren, Trumbo
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
IMMEDIATE REACTION: We know that everyone is all about Kate Winslet, but she wasn’t the only one “extremely surprised and overwhelmed” by her winning this award. Although, after that confusing AF introduction/presentation by Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill as the bear from The Revenant, it took us a while to catch onto the fact that she won.
Also, did Hill diss Jane Fonda? It was kind of hard to tell with all of that bleeping…