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Masturbating Jockey Snatches Dog, Leaps Out Window: Cops
We’ll give this guy credit for one thing: it’s pretty hard to masturbate and steal at the same time. Police say Pennsylvania man Angel Suarez Medero was seen pleasuring himself on the deck of an apartment in December. When a woman inside dialed 911, he grabbed one of the two dogs in the unit and jumped out of a second-story window. That’s when Medero allegedly went into a nearby apartment and attacked two people inside, before someone shot him twice. He was taken to hospital in critical condition.

Jumping

Missing woman unwittingly joins search party looking for herself
Er…I think we found her! A group of tourists spent hours searching for a woman in Iceland after they believed she had gone missing. It all started when the bus they were on stopped near a volcanic canyon. One of the women left the bus to change her clothes and freshen up, but when she returned, the rest of her busmates didn’t recognize her. It didn’t take long before there was word of a missing passenger. And once the woman didn’t recognize the description of herself, she joined the search party. Oops!

Devon farmer forced to cull aggressive Nazi-bred cows
The Führer would have a fit. A British farmer who imported cows that descended from Nazi-bred herds has been forced to kill several of them after they became too aggressive. The cows in question are known as heck cattle, which were created by the Germans in an attempt to bring an extinct animal back into existence. But it turns out there’s no escaping the evil surrounding anything associated with Nazism. “They are by far and away the most aggressive animals I have ever worked with, farmer Derek Gow told Mashable. Apparently though, they’ve since been made into “very tasty” sausages.

Fourth graders suspended after plotting to kill teacher with hand sanitizer
Kids these days, amirite? Three fourth-graders in New York are accused of conspiring to kill their teacher after learning he was severely allergic to hand sanitizer. The students allegedly planned to put sanitizer on surfaces and items they knew the teacher would touch. When youth officers interviewed the girls about the incident, one of them said the teacher “yells at us.” Fortunately, the alleged plot was discovered early, and authorities determined nobody was ever in harms way and no crime had been committed. Two of the students were suspended.

Evil child

Government employee fired after skipping work for 24 years
Talk about an extended vacation. A.K. Verma of India was fired from his job as an executive engineer at the Central Public Works Department after last appearing for work in December 1990. 1990! An inquiry did find him guilty of “wilful absence from duty” in 1992, but it still took another 22 years along with the intervention of a government official to remove him. According to the World Bank, India has some of the most restrictive labour laws in the world, making it difficult to fire employees for any reason other than a criminal offence.

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