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Recently, Newfoundland launched a website that invited residents to offer their insights into how the provincial government could become more efficient. It split up the feedback into three different categories, and allowed the posts to be uploaded publicly where they could be read by all.

Big mistake.

Many people quickly chimed in to offer their cost-cutting advice–that was fine. But it wasn’t long before some, er, wackier entries started leaking through (this is Newfoundland, after all).

“Communist Revolution” is currently one of the highest-rated answers on the site, because “the current fiscal troubles faced by the province are rooted in capitalism,” according to the user. Another resident is calling for “an exemption from ALC to be able to host province wide 50/50 draws” as a way to boost the ol’ public bank account.

But our personal favourite suggestion was the idea to “resettle Dildo into Broad Cove” (Dildo and Broad Cove are both real places in Newfoundland).

“Both communities are close to St. John’s, so it will be easy for bureaucrats to watch it happen and evaluate the process before rolling it out on a larger scale across the province,” the user begins. “It would also be an easy resettlement, since all Dildo has to do to get to Broad Cove is sail down Spread Eagle Bay. Since both towns are so close already, there will be very little mess to mop up afterwards. And if it goes well, it might lay the foundation of a future population growth strategy.”

“But most importantly, moving Dildo into Broad Cove will be a powerful symbol of the sort of things the government expects from people in these hard times.”

Another suggestion we believe Newfoundland’s government should consider is to “replace tap water with Blue Star” (Blue Star = beer).

“Well (sic) get rid of those flitration (sic) systems, they cost a fortune. Latch it all on a few kegs and replace it with that,” the comment begins. “So first off, forget the treatment plants and all the money we spends (sic) on that, we don’t need it no more. Next, imagine all da jobs. Everybody wants to make blue star, who don’t wanna make blue star? Finally, save me a bit a money, save everone (sic) really. Who don’t buy a case of bluestar twice a week?”

It’s still unclear which suggestions the government will actually consider implementing. But personally, we have some high hopes for the Dildo Broad Cove suggestion (it’s just too bad the user never found a way to weave in Conception Bay).

Never change, Newfoundland.

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