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Even if you don’t watch soccer, you know who Cristiano Ronaldo is. Because look at him! So pretty. But perhaps not to everyone. The world-famous Real Madrid star returned to his hometown on the island of Madeira, Portugal, because they’ve renamed the airport after him. During the ceremony, Ronaldo unveiled a bronze statue of himself created in his honour, and if you’re not sitting down brace yourself, because you’re about to go through a roller-coaster of emotions, feeling things you didn’t know you were capable of feeling all at once.

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Of all that is good and pure, what in the holy hell is this monstrosity? In what can only be described as a cross between a Bachelor reject and Sloth from The Goonies, it’s beyond messed up.

Like a train wreck, Cristiano couldn’t take his eyes off it in disbelief.

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But soon he was laughing with our new hero, the dude with the white hair and glasses who simply wasn’t able to hold back his feelings on how preposterous it all was.

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The statue rendered poor Ronaldo all but speechless.

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All he could do was shrug it off.

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Unlike this woman, who is all of us.

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Let’s face it, whomever designed Cristiano’s bust needs to find a new line of work. Because this isn’t just a crime against humanity, it’s a crime against art. And it’s not the first time Ronaldo’s been captured so clumsily.

There’s his well-endowed statue from 2014 in his hometown of Funchal, not to mention this wax figure from last summer, neither of which look anything like Ronaldo.

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Of course, they’re both still better than this.

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Gah! It’s like Cristiano Ronaldo is where art goes to die. How this …

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… became this …

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… we’ll never know. Our apologies in advance for the nightmares you are bound to have.