Technology is taking over. Nobody can logically dispute this. One thing many might not have seen coming (if I may) was the extinction of the most intimate recreation known to man: Sex; making love; hanky-panky; what have you. Well I have to tell you something: it’s happening. And fast. In a blue-balling nutshell, our God-given genitals are no longer of use to each other.
Here are two toys that currently threaten the age-old adage: “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”
The Ambrosia Vibe
The Ambrosia Vibe is the first strap-on dildo to respond to a partner’s actual, real-time touch. The device recently met and greatly surpassed its crowdfunding goal in just one week on Kickstarter, and has updated their campaign to inform us that their toys are now in production; that the “Ambrosia Vibe is no longer a fantasy”.
The company, headed by some bow-tied science geek named Dr. Xtreme, has given women larger-than-average-penises with lifelike sensations. Up until this point, the benefits of wearing a strap-on have been largely psychological rather than physical, but now, thanks to the product responsible for male extinction, the pleasure of the wearer becomes a major part of the sexual experience as well.
The campaign video insists the vibrator can respond to the wide range of human touch, including stroking, rubbing, poking, and sucking by reacting to pressure through a wire attached the device’s belt. When the pressure on the dildo changes with rhythmic movements (during penetration, for instance), the “silicone super penis” translates that pressure to vibrations at the base of the strap-on. Sound like fun? It probably is, but as a man, I beg of you please: give penis a chance. Another chance.
For those who won’t though, I’m obligated to tell you the product retails for $149. But quantities are limited.
For the guys: Fleshlight LaunchPAD
Now it’s time for the ladies to feel threatened by false dirty bits. Thanks to the Fleshlight LaunchPAD, men have been awarded the luxury to have sex with their tablets.
What the product is, essentially, is a bulky case for your iPad where a big old Fleshlight can be fastened directly under the screen. (Money-grab alert: Fleshlight is sold separately.) This innovation in tablet-play takes aim at heightening the point-of-view experience of video chat and general porn viewing. So next time your man wants to Skype long-distance, he might be sinking his tackle in some “safe, resilient, and; expandable rubber” version of your genitals. It’s like a Nicholas Sparks novel, really.
If he disappears during your next cam session though, you need not be worried, he might just be piledriving his device from behind, as the product copy so passionately suggests: “Explore using your Fleshlight LaunchPAD in a variety of positions, including keeping the device stationary during use — another great way to practice improving your sexual stamina!”
The toy retails for $27.95, and despite me referring to the toy as an “innovation” in the marketplace, after some digging around, I found the item is a carbon copy of a parody ad found within the popular video game Grand Theft Auto V.
Watch the similarities below:
Fleshlight LaunchPAD ad:
LifeInvader ad (GTA V parody):
So there you have it, folks. Pretty soon we’ll become redundant in the most human and intimate of activities. All we need next are dildos and Fleshlights that provide emotional support, take us out for the occasional steak dinner, and see ya–gone are the days of human interaction. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a very intimate date with my iPad — I call her Fiona. (Apple, get it?).