No mother sets out on her parenting journey hell-bent on becoming an angry mom. A new mother may envision her future self as an encouraging and supportive mom, an organized or health-minded mom or perhaps an artsy, fun mom, but never an angry one. Unfortunately for us mothers, as the years go by, the angry mom version of ourselves creeps in, like a volcano, when we least expect her and somehow she manages to make us lose our shit on our kids! (Cue the mom guilt).
Now, what if I told you, that you could stop losing your shit? What if all it took was the idea of embracing a new, less conventional version of yourself (aka the weird mom version)? Basically, when you start to feel the mom-nado brewing and threatening to erupt, try some of these tried and tested (though admittedly odd) techniques. They may sound weird, but that’s the entire point.
Allow me to present:
10 unique Ways to Avoid Losing Your Shit on the Kids
With the sheer ridiculousness of the following scenarios, you are bound to detour yourself (and your kids) from an angry meltdown.
Hop in the Shower
That’s it. It’s that simple. Just tear off your clothes and hop into the shower immediately. Announcing: “I’m outta here,” as you open the shower door and step in, makes it seem even more like a proper exit. It may even feel a bit like a vacation. Just add some ocean breeze scented body wash and some piña colada inspired shampoo, and it’s almost like you’re in Cancun.
Perform a Solo Whitney Song
Channel your inner Whitney, from the pre-Bobby years when she was vivacious and upbeat. Then, grab the TV remote, or a bottle of detangler, or even a hot dog. Step up onto your stage (a kitchen chair or the living room sofa will do nicely) and begin. Subtle, but with intention, at first: “I believe the children are our future….” And then, send it home when you hit this line: “…no matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity!”
Pick a Bird, and Become It
Maybe you’re feeling some crow vibes and cranking out some caws will do the trick, mid-conflict. Or perhaps a chicken or pigeon are more up your alley. All you have to do is freeze at those first few indications that shit is about to get real. You know the symptoms: your breathing gets heavier, your heart starts pounding, you realize you’re squinting your eyes. Just: “CAW, CAW, CAW, CAW” your way out of the room. Done.
Do your Best Doctor Evil Impression
This one works well when you are being dissed by your kid. They’re angry and so are you but some outstretched arms and your best Dr. Evil voice, can bring this angry situation to a truce. “Come here, Scott. Give your father a hug. Come here. Come on. Come here.” You kid will look at you thinking: who the hell is Scott. And then, looking as desperate and as bald as you can, throw in some slow-mo Macarena moves while chiming: “Tuka Tuka Tuka Tuka Tuka!”
Now this one is an oldie but a goody, a classic and popular campfire ditty. And we all know people feel calm and relaxed, united and at peace, while sitting around a campfire. So give it go. You could even start out by setting up an imaginary campfire, while singing: “Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya.” Who knows, you may all end up doing harmonies while roasting imaginary marshmallows.
No music needed, just you and the open hardwood, or the more challenging carpet or the even more trying stairs. The idea here is to remove yourself from the scene in a way that is both efficient and confusing. With this strategy, you will silence the other person with your mad skillz and you will get your ass as far away as you possibly can, giving you time to cool yourself. Do not stop moonwalking until you are out of sight. Take it down the street if need be. Just go, let your feet lead the way.
Become a Robot
Be all matter of fact when you announce: “I am a robot.” Obviously, you’ll need to use your best robot voice. You can then say whatever you want because when you add some stiff arms and some wide robot eyes, you will mesmerize your “opponent.” You’ll be like: “I am a robot, and I am done with this conversation. Clean your room.” Then you can stiffly make your way out of the room, to safety.
Play Bust a Move
Shout: “Alexa, play Bust a Move.” And then, bust out your best moves right there on the spot. The carwash, the worm, the butt spin, the knee swap, and the sprinkler all go down fairly well. Opting to bust a move will save you from busting everyone’s eardrums and you may even get to conclude with a family conga line, which is always fun.
Cover Your Face & Cuckoo
When the temperature starts to rise, maybe the clock needs to strike midnight so everyone has a chance to start fresh. Just cover your face with both hands and pop your face out with a “cuckoo.” Repeat twelve times. And like Cinderella, you can get back to the real you when the clock strikes twelve.
Go to the Spa
Tell the kids you are off to the spa but really head to your secret stash of lavender in your closet. Sniff it, snort it, roll in it, become lavender. Then, when you are ready, exit the lavender spa and return to your family a new woman.
Sure, mom-nados happen and even if they do, you’re still a good mom! But, perhaps it’s time to embrace your inner weird mom and say goodbye to angry mom, for good.