Another week, another devastating episode of Game of Thrones (Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on Crave). That’s the line we’re using from now on when it comes to explaining the heartbreak that comes with watching this gut-wrenching series.
Following up on last week’s “The Long Night,” this week we saw the Winterfell survivors drinking and celebrating life while the powers-that-be (read: Daenerys) plotted their next big takeover—King’s Landing. Forget taking time to lick wounds and recuperate. Dany has been waiting seven long years to claim the iron throne, and with the Night King finally out of the way she has the end game in sight.
Unfortunately, not everyone had the same vision. While Sansa wondered why Jon, a ‘Stark,’ trusted a Targaryen so much, Varys and Tyrion tried to solve the world’s problems over wine. Meanwhile Cersei and her fresh army were ready to tackle the usurpers with new weapons, and by the end of the episode all there was to show for all our side’s efforts was confusion and more dead bodies.
In the spirit of the show and in anticipation of the giant battle that’s sure to come next week, let’s break down all of the significant deaths–literal and figurative–of the episode, just as they broke us down.
Death 1: Our hopes and dreams of Arya and Gendry living happily ever after
Remember when Ned Stark told Arya that she’d marry a lord and live a nice, happy life? “That’s not me,” she told her father back in season one. It seems like not much has changed in seven years. As soon as Dany named Gendry a Lord he couldn’t wait to propose to Arya, and she promptly declined.
“That’s not me,” she said once again, shattering our shipper hopes and dreams.
Death 2: Brienne’s virginity… and potential future happiness
We all wondered how the battle for Brienne of Tarth would play out, and GoT did not disappoint, if by that we mean they left us sorely disappointed. After a fun game of Never Have I Ever, Tyrion realized Brienne was a virgin. Tormund wanted to solve that problem, but in the end he was left with dreams of giant’s milk as Jaime swooped in for the W.
“I’ve never slept with a knight before,” Jaime said.
“I’ve never slept with anyone,” she shot back.
Now if only Jaime had actually stuck around with Brienne in the North like he was planning. Instead he rode back to King’s Landing, where we think he’s either going to join or kill his sister once and for all.
Death 3: Jon’s libido
Quick poll: whose honour is more annoying, Jon Snow’s or Ned Stark’s?
Okay, let’s be fair. Nothing kills the mood with your lover quite like learning she’s actually your auntie. So while we felt Dany when she said that she wished she never knew about Jon’s real heritage, it was just all levels of weird watching those two kiss now that they know the actual truth.
We don’t need Jaime and Cersei 2.0 here, writers. Please and thank you.
Death 4: The Family Formerly Known As The Starks
Nothing breaks up a family reunion quite like learning that your brother is actually your cousin. Arya and Sansa finally learned the truth about Jon, while Bran quietly looked on. Seriously—why does that kid only ever speak up during the most awkward of moments? We’re sure these guys could use a little insight into the Final War right about now.
Death 5: Jon’s time as a pet owner
Let’s all let out a collective sigh of relief that Ghost is okay. Yes, he’s worse for wear after last week’s fight (his poor ear!), but he’s okay. Well, physically at least. We’re still getting over the fact that Jon just ghosted his pet in that episode. Not only did he decide to let Ghost run with the wildlings back North, but he didn’t even pet his direwolf goodbye.
It’s official: Jon Snow should never own another pet. Ever. Oh… and speaking of…
Death 6: RIP Rhaegal
We’ve watched plenty of humans perish on this series, but whenever an animal dies WE ARE NOT OKAY. Cue the heartbreaking final scene for Rhaegal, who succumbed to an arrow through his heart and his throat as Dany was flying towards King’s Landing.
If you needed another excuse to hate on Euron Greyjoy, this was it. That dragon survived all those Wights and the Night King, but he couldn’t escape Greyjoy’s ships.
All we can say is that it’s lucky Jon Snow decided not to ride the dragon South. He’d certainly be on this list if he had.
Death 7: RIP Missandei
Just when you thought Grey Worm and Missandei were going to sail off into the sunset together, Dany’s right-hand woman was captured by Euron and brought back to the capital. There Cersei promptly had her executed after Dany refused to back down.
Let’s be real: we knew Tyrion’s speech to Cersei wouldn’t land. When have any of his speeches to his sister ever landed? This time he tried appealing to the bun in her oven, which was pointless. (Side: We still don’t believe Cersei will ever have that child, thanks to the earlier prophecy that she’d only ever have three.) (Another side: Do you think Euron is wondering just how Tyrion found out about ‘his’ baby with Cersei?)
For us, it all came down to whether Cersei would have Tyrion executed after Missandei.
Not today, as Arya would say, to our relief. But this episode did certainly prove that the sibling rivalry between Cersei and Tyrion is still real.
Also real? The bloodbath that will be next week’s episode. We’re almost too scared to watch.
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on Crave.