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Growing hungry lately but worried about growing your waistline by reaching for your tried-and-true comfort food? Craving the warmth of a bowl of pasta, but scared that your tummy is starting to take the same bowl shape? Well you can put your fears aside because the miracle noodle is here! It’s been called the skinny noodle, the weight loss noodle, the un-noodle and yes — even the miracle noodle. We’re talking about Shirataki, the amazingly versatile pasta alternative that’s now making its way to Canada all the way from Japan. Packaged in water, it slips! It slides! It’ll swim right into your heart! Or at least into your empty, pasta-searching belly.

What is Shirataki exactly? Well, it’s a true pasta alternative — a carb substitute in noodle form, yet without the belly-bloating side effects. It’s made from a little ol’ vegetable called the devil’s tongue yam, but don’t be put off. We’re talking heavenly possibilities, folks! Rinse and par-boil for a fun alternative to udon in your next hot pot or Pho dish. Or dry-roast your Shirataki in a pan on your stove top. Now we’re talking about a spaghetti alternative that’s perfect for an Italian-inspired tomato sauce — a complete, sun-drenched Naples getaway, but none of the mafioso-like weight gain!

So what are you waiting for? It’s time to finally indulge in bowl after bowl of pasta!

Really trying to lose those pounds? Then slather your Shirataki with a whole lot of nothing at all. You’ll be thrilled at the amazing price tag of … zero calories per serving! (Or if you’re looking to add some protein, another type of this noodle with added tofu contains only 20 calories per serving.)

So! Tired of zucchini noodles, with their unrelenting greenness? Fed up with the lying liar of a squash that dares to call itself “spaghetti?” Free yourself from the tyranny of easily recognized above-ground vegetables! Head on out to your nearest Asian grocery and try Shirataki today!

Please note the following disclaimers:

This product contains no actual miracles.

By referring to Japan we might actually mean the United States, where this product has been sold for years.

This product may also actually taste like water, or something unidentifiable that’s close to water.

User may find that this product does not travel from the mouth to the heart.

This product contains no actual yams. This product contains actual material from a plant called konnyaku potato, devil’s tongue, voodoo lily or snake palm.

User’s experience with Mediterranean-inspired fantasies may vary depending on usage.

Most low-fat cooking methods contains zero units of flavor.

Please note that squash do not speak. If you witness vegetables speaking to you after consuming Shirataki, please dispose of this product immediately and call 911.

Statements made in this “advertisement” in no way apply to North Korea, Syria or any other tyrant-oriented organization.

Consume at your own risk.

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