We haven’t been this turned on by our phones since the inception of sexting.
Produced by a small Danish group, spectacularly named Lovable Hat Cult, the game, called La Petite Mort, lets you bring a virtual vulva to climax by moving your fingers in various motions around the screen. “If one cell feels good, it kind of spreads the pleasure to the cells around it,” says Andrea Hasselager, one of the game’s producers, told The Guardian.
Take a gander for yourself:
So, yeah, it’s erotic, but it’s also kind of weird. Like, this-may-cause-seizures weird.
You may be tempted to do a good old fashioned “button mash” (which is what we used to do when things were more analog), but overzealous screen pokers will get text messages during play that urge them to “slow down,” or remind them that “I’m sensitive.”
Each vulva is programmed differently–they come in all different shapes and sizes IRL–so users have to use trial and error to find the right stroke.
According to its creators, the game is a “one of a kind digital erotic experience” that will “move you through the sensual and erotic sensations, ending in a cacophony of musical climaxes, you never thought were possible on a touchscreen.”
They’re right, too. We didn’t think that was possible. We didn’t even think of it at all…but now we are. Big time.
Unfortunately, it’s probably not going to be available on your iPhone anytime soon. Apple has declared this particular peach of an app too juicy for their fruitbasket. The musical part is fine, but the whole pixelated vulva stuff? That’s a bit too much for them. (Does Pornhub make apps, because this might be more up their alley?)
While we’re curious to give this game a whirl, we’ll probably stick to Candy Crush… at least while we’re in public.