Life Parenting
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Simon Hooper wants us all to know that life is anything but picture perfect. Filters and lightning be damned!

Simon—who, along with his wife Clemmie, parents four daughters ages 9, 6 and 10-month-old twins—makes it clear that he’s outnumbered. He told Huffington Post that he wants to “show a realistic view of what parenting is like from a parent’s perspective,” but without the sugarcoating.

Hooper wanted to show what parenting is really like, and while there is the occasional obvious, albeit hilarious set-up shot or pose, featuring Hooper with the same assortment of expressions (typically of the “Seriously?!” or “Help!” variety), it’s his captions that keep it real.

Toys are a waste.

we have A LOT of toys for the girls. Some hand-me-downs, some brand new. We offer up the hand made, ethically sourced, non toxic, bespoke blocks made from organic, carbon offset wood, lovingly sourced from Norway. They look down their nose at them with disgust, decide they’re tosh and toss them to one side. Then they go on a rampage to find keys, my wallet, my phone, anything that resembles a remote control and plastic packaging. If that fails, they bug me until i give up the goods. Many mornings, you’ll find me running around the house, quietly cursing the babies, who’ve hidden my cash / debit card and /or keys. guess I should get used to this as I hear teenage girls take the same stuff. #stophidingmyshit #pointlessexpensivetoys #allthebabieswantismywallet #girlstakemystuff #ishouldgetusedtoit #fatherofdaughters#dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

Tooth fairy truths.

After a week of wiggling, twisting & flicking, Marnie finally lost her first tooth. I was so please for my, now lisping, daughter until she informed me that some kid in her class got £5 (WTF) for his tooth – the tooth fairy is obviously sensitive to inflation and the fluctuations of the world economy – but come on – that’s £100 for a full set of 20! Which parent out there is dishing out £5 a tooth?! If I find them, I’m going to force feed them their own teeth as they have set a ridiculous benchmark for everyone else to live up to. I may actually have to sell my own teeth to cover this! #iswearigot10patooth #50pforbigones #toothfairytax #thetoothfairyisobviouslyloaded #toothinflation #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

Last-minute school projects are the worst.

Last night – “Oh daddy, remember to make our woodland themed costumes for school tomorrow!” – Why is this the first I’m hearing about this at 8pm the day before you need them – I’m not some 24 hr costume design dept! Considered slapping a door mat on their backs and sending them off as hedgehogs but decided that was shit, so my plan to cuddle up with @mother_of_daughters wilted & died before my eyes & instead was spent contorting sodding coat hangers into wings, wrapping them with cling film, skewering myself attempting to attach fake leaves to jumpers & rummaging around in the loft for brown clothing (of which I can confirm we have none). They were woodland fairies FYI. #icantletthemdown #iloveitreally #iftheydontlikethemimdisowningthem #adadsworkisneverdone #morenoticenexttime #dressingup #woodlandfairies #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

How grocery shopping used to be fun.

Another monday, another last minute rush to the shops to avoid the armageddon I.e running out of nappies, wipes & baby crack (milk) for the addicts. I basically live in this aisle of the supermarket now. New parents seem to gravitate to me as an “experienced parent” (i.e. the tired looking guy shivering in the corner) and ask “do you know where so and so is please?” My reponse – “Sure 3rd shelf, half way down on the left hand side, buy 3 & get a discount,although you want to use that in combination with blah blah blah.” I’m like a walking encyclopaedia of baby product info. I used to use my brain to solve global corporate wide problems. I now use it to calculate bulk buy discounts. #ishouldgetanamebadge #bogofking #iliveherenojoke #dadbrain #lifeinthefastlane #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

The trials and tribulations of daylight savings.

Technology.

The wonders of modern technology. Why, oh why did I give my eldest an ipod touch? Yes, its great to stay in contact while im away but my inbox is now full of emoji based spam from my bored daughter. (The emoji poo is a firm favourite). Today while in meetings, I convinced her that because I’m 8 hours ahead of her (I.e. in the future), I could send her the lottery numbers and shes guarenteed to win as i already know the winning ones. Took her a while to figure out that wasn’t actually the case, made me laugh though! FYI Yes I look shattered but I’ve been travelling for 22 hours so what do you expect!! #wecouldhavewonthelottery #remoteparenting #kidsandtechnology #whyalwaystheemojipoo #emojispam #workingaway #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

Jokes are no longer appreciated.

Clemmie gave me a pretty simple job this evening – “go pack the baby bag” (we’re going away for a night). A plan developed in my head (why can’t I take anything seriously?!) I called her in – “well you said pack the baby bag!!”, expecting a laugh. She didn’t. I then suggested cutting holes in the bottom for their legs to hang out like those dog carriers but @mother_of_daughters was already less than pleased that i’d used her prized leather @kerikitbags for lols, so with my tail between my legs, I repacked. A shed load of nappies, baby crack (milk powder), toys they won’t play with & a monitor – There was still enough room for half my family in there! #bottomlessbabybag #mobiletwins #howmuchstuffdobabiesneed #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

Even (a lack of?) fashion sense is second-guessed.

Should I get offended that when I’m in charge of dressing the girls, instead of being given free rein to ‘get creative’ and use my couture fashion eye to create a ‘wow’ outfit that will catch the eye and imagination, I walk into their room and find that all the clothes are laid out already. Granted I have a tendency to dress them as boys, and will invariably forget the importance of layers, and that spots and strips clash, and that socks are essential, and that a baby grow doesn’t count as day wear, and that I dress them the same, i cant tell them apart for the rest if the day, but surely if you give me a chance, the law of averages will mean I’ll get it right one day! #daddressing #twins #dontdressthemthesame #theylovechewingshoes #icandressachild #badly #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

The dreaded sex talk. Shudder.

This week my eldest has been doing sex education at school. Shes very mature about it & having a midwife as a mum, they know a lot more than your average kid, no ‘front bottoms’ or ‘nunnys’ in this house, it’s strictly a ‘vagina’ affair (which coincidently would be a great title for a drama series on TV) That said, she’s chosen tonight (when @mother_of_daughters is away) to ask questions about men which makes me feel like an embarrassed child, but i promised to tell her the truth. My personal favourites – “do you wear a condom daddy?” Me – “Yes”. Then why do you have so many children? Touchè. “Have you and mummy had sex more than 3 times?” I laughed proudly – “Way more……like at least 9 or 10 times” ( I didn’t want to come across as a sex crazied maniac). Can wait to until she asks if I’ve ever masturbated…..I will actually curl up in a ball and die #sexeducation #shestheadultimthechild #sheknowsmorethanme #dontaskaboutmasturbationorilldie #ivedoneitloads #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife #parenting

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

The nightmare that is teething.

Teething is now in full effect and the girls want us to know all about it. An email would have sufficed but it seems they’d rather use their voices to get the message across that they really aren’t enjoying this stage of development. Its not straight screaming, it’s more like the sound a wounded animal might make that just wants to end it all. I can’t blame them though, it’s like a mini scene from ‘Alien’ in there at the moment, just in very very slow motion (and of course teeth don’t then go on to kill you and the crew of your ship so a few subtle differences but essentially the same). #canyoubulkbuybonjela #teethinglikealien #twins #thisisntfunforanyone #doubleteethingisnotdoublethefun #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife #daddydentist

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

When everything goes wrong after little to no sleep.

Well that was fun. @mother_of_daughters is away with the eldest 2 so I have the twins. Delilah was up & down last night more than a yoyo who’d necked a crate of redbull. As a dad, I usually have inbuilt noise cancelling and can sleep through an thrash metal gig but last night was something else. The neighbours must have thought I was skinning cats with a wooden spoon at 3.30am – the noise was endless – the kind of noise that cuts through you & drains you of any memory of who you are or what you’re doing until your brain dribbles out you ear. They seem to have forgotten the whole experience and moved on. I’ll just scoop up my eye bags so they don’t drag on the floor. To top it all, the car is broken so I can’t get to my brother’s birthday. A shocker of a day so far. #brainonthefloor #alongwiththeeyebags #brokencar #twins #comehomeplease #parenting #fatherofdaughter #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

If you can get any sleep.

Is it only me or do all men learn to sleep on an 8 inch strip at the edge of the bed? Irrespective of the size of the bed, or how many people are in it, I always find myself relegated to the ‘man zone’. I’ve become so used to sleeping on this limited area of bed real estate, that I’m confident that I could sleep on top of a wall & not fall off. On the other side of the bed (the promised land), @mother_of_daughters sleeps like a star fish all night long, kneeing me in the back and generally complains about me coming to bed too late, being too cold or my foot encroaching onto her territory. At least the bed’s nice and warm, even if the reception isn’t sometimes! I hope that next Sunday, on #NationalLieInDay, I’ll not only gain another hour in bed, but more space – but it’s doubtful ! If you want to regain that hour (and some space for that matter) click in the link in my bio, loads of great prizes to be won @SimbaSleep #bedrealestate #livingontheedge #girls #twins #daughters #therestoomanygirls #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #gopro

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on

But it’s all worth it.

Tomorrow is international day of the girl and I, more than most, am celebrating. I might be heavily outnumbered and outgunned, but I’m celebrating because my girls are strong independent young ladies that are growing up in a world that they can do anything they put their mind to (with a little encouragement). We strive for equality and see women as equals (and in my case, as superiors!). That said, in many places girls are seen as second class citizens and have limited opportunities to reach their full potential. This has to change. Go kiss your girls goodnight & encourage them everyday to reach for the stars. Tag a strong girl and share. #mygirlswearthetrousers #daughters #dayofthegirl #girlsareequals #girlsarestrong #sisters #mygirls #girlsareamazing #beproudofyoudaughters #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on