Hands up if bored kids are your biggest problem this week. Perhaps you’re considering sitting them down in front of a movie to pass some time—the thing is, they’ve completely exhausted their own collection. That means it’s the perfect time to introduce them to some favourites from decades past, right? Not so fast. Before you show them these classic flicks from the ’80s and ’90s, be ready to do some explaining. The movies you think you remember aren’t as PG as you may have once thought. An awkward conversation or two might be in your near future.
Stand By Me
You remember this as a coming-of-age movie about boyhood and friendship, right? Actually it’s a movie about projectile vomiting and dead kids, based on a book by none other than Stephen King. And you thought your co-sleeping days were over.
Adventures in Babysitting
Looking for a way to broach the subject of soft-core pronography with your child this March break? We’ve got just the thing. What’s that? You weren’t? Well then you may want to fast forward through the Playboy scene in this movie.
Precede this movie with the following disclaimer: it is not okay for people to keep disabled or impaired family members chained up under the stairs now, nor has it ever been. Not even in ancient times (aka the ’80s).
Forget that the whole theme of this movie is child abandonment and take into consideration that it’s basically a live-action Roadrunner cartoon. Those nails on the basement stairs? Shudder. The good thing is that all the torture scenes could mask the fact that Playboy pops up. Again.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Ask yourself this: are you prepared to explain what the phrase “penis breath” means when Elliot hurls the insult across the dinner table at his brother? Because if you’re going to watch E.T., you have to be.
Muppets, Bowie… and would-be kiddie brides? We love David Bowie but he was 39 when he played the stalkerish Jareth. Jennifer Connelly, whom he obsesses over, drugs, and propositions, was 15. On one hand, it’s super creepy, on the other, it’s a pretty great example of what a relationship is not supposed to look like.
“Dad, why is Dan Aykroyd making that funny face?” If you’re not in the mood to explain oral sex to your kids, beware of this ghost-on-guy scene. While the implications of this (and the three other sexually charged scenes in Ghostbusters) will hopefully soar above most kids’ heads, um, what if they don’t?
Drinking, smoking, f-bombs, and some cringe-worthy romantic situations are all forced on Tom Hanks’ character in this movie. Which might be no big deal, if he weren’t playing a 12-year-old trapped in a man’s body. Good luck.
Nothing racy here, right? Unless you count phrases like “flog your log” and “p#$*y wagon”. Grease also features a charming scene in which one of Danny’s T-Bird pals passes the time looking up women’s skirts. Avoid a call from the teacher by informing your kids that that kind of hobby can get you arrested.
So. Much. Crotch. Stuff. While these kinds of jokes aren’t exactly going to lead your kids to the path to becoming total degenerates, you may have to live with hearing them repeated around the house for the next several days (months).
Think Jaws will look kitschy, campy and totally fake to today’s kids? While they’ve certainly been exposed to far more realistic CGI in movies like Star Wars and Pirates of The Caribbean, Steven Spielberg’s low budget movie could keep kids out of swimming lessons until adulthood. We’d say skip this one altogether.