Game of Thrones, with all its twists and turns, is almost over. Now what are we going to occupy our curious minds with? What? Luckily, one of our favourite shows is back to keep us on our toes. Knowing exactly what’s going on is never fun. Are we right? Yeah, we are.
The Season 7 premiere of Pretty Little Liars arrived much in the same fashion as Season 6 exited – with Hanna’s plan to use herself as bait; still the worst idea anyone in Rosewood has ever had. And that’s saying a lot.
Hanna has entered full horror-movie-damsel-in-distress mode, wearing nothing but a white tank top and underwear while covered in bruises, yet still maintaining more body in her hair than we would have after buying an entire aisle of Sephora. The good news is that Hanna is still alive, this coming after the group found a fake Hanna–that mask is amazing, no?– hanging from the bell tower. Either tear that tower down, or find the local mask maker and run him out of town. Doing either would immediately end all the mysterious deaths and disappearances.
The episode kicks off four days into the future with a composed Spencer and teary-eyed Aria and Emily burying a body. Okay, so we know someone dies, and when someone dies in Rosewood, it’s time to put on our speculation hats. They’re purple with a red flower.
The obvious choice for heading six feet under is Hanna, but that means it’s likely not Hanna, or it could mean that it is Hanna and the writers are trying to throw us off our game by going with the most obvious person. In conclusion, it could or could not be Hanna.
Alison is another solid guess now that Emily has labelled her former bestie/lover/manipulator as the killer, because it must have been Alison wearing the red jacket Ezra and Aria saw the night Charlotte was killed. Jackets are a one size fits one kinda thing and no one has ever worn Alison’s clothes and impersonated her. Tonight’s episode was the Season 1 premiere, right?
Speaking of misplaced logic, we’re going to assume Pennsylvania doesn’t have a law allowing spouses to treat one another, so why is no one stopping Elliot, the evil Brit, from administering drugs to his wife? This hospital needs to be turned into a nightclub by Ashley Marin, stat.
The main focus of tonight’s premiere was of course trying to figure where in the greater Rosewood area is Hanna Marin, but really it was all about the couples.
Caleb is dealing with his Hanna kiss by pushing Spencer so far away that he would rather hang out with Mona and pair Spencer up with Toby. It’s pretty safe to say we can stick a fork in Spaleb. Ezria’s rise from the ashes is giving us warm fuzzies, mostly because after years of being grossed out by their inappropriate relationship we were finally able to get on board with the chemistry once Aria was legally allowed to vote. We do feel bad for poor Liam, but his days have been numbered from the start. No character with glasses has ever made it past three episodes. Remember Cindy? Exactly. Of course, now that Ezria have lived to watch another black and white film and eat pie, we can expect Ezra’s dead girlfriend to reappear at any moment. Wait for it…
Then there’s Emily and her unrequited love for Alison. To answer the question ‘what awful thing is left for Alison to do that would finally show Emily that she’s the worst’, it’s murder. Murder is the answer. Emily catching Alison mid-nightmare seems to be all it took for Emily to pick Team Hanna. We should have done this years ago.
Thanks to a little sleuthing by Toby and a painful-to-watch tea ceremony with Spencer and Mary Drake, we learned a few things about Jessica DiLaurentis 2.0. It looks like we’re dealing with a bad babysitter who has traveled the world and collected a number of lovers. She seems like the kind of woman who would use the term ‘lover.’
Even in dreams, Spencer continues to be the most useful of all the Liars and subconsciously instructs Hanna to look for a way out of the cage she’s being kept in, because apparently Hanna was too tired to think of trying to get out. Hanna makes it through the woods in bare feet, an impressive feat, only to run directly into Mary Drake’s car. Remember what we said about the predictable option earlier? This is a great example.
Even more predictable? Elliot’s closing line spoken in his native tongue. “Just like you, Alison, karma can be such a bitch.” He must have picked up ‘101 Things Everyone In Rosewood Says’ from the local gift-shop.
Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars airs Tuesdays at 8E/5P on its new home on Bravo!
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