There’s nothing less romantic than an Excel spreadsheet. Which is why it’s fitting that a man created one that documented all the times he requested sex from his wife and was shot down.
A husband emailed the spreadsheet (below) to his wife who received it while she was travelling to the airport on her way to a 10-day work trip. Based on the information gathered, they had sex three times in a seven-week period, with him asking for some action a total of 27 times. Those…aren’t good odds. Her excuses range from “I’m sweaty and gross,” and “I’m not feeling good, I hate too much,” to “I’m watching the show” and a flat-out “No.”
Hundreds weighed in on the story on Reddit (before it was deleted) and thousands more shared their pain on Deadspin, who first picked it up. The reaction has been mixed with some people siding with the wife, others in favour of the husband, and the rest believing both are to blame. While the spreadsheet and her publicizing their obvious marriage troubles seem like the highlights, let’s be real here: the best part of all this is how the Internet responded.
On Buzzfeed, Lisa Michels had this to say about the husband:
“He’s an ass who apparently thinks he’s entitled to sex when he wants it. I don’t know what their marriage is like every day, but I would take a good hard look at it if I were the wife.
MWarnerM wrote on Deadspin:
“‘I’m too sweaty from the gym’ is the most transparently-bullsh*t excuse on the list, and it appears to be the most common as well.1) It’s sex. You’re gonna get sweaty anyway. 2) A girl who is sweaty from the gym is not a turn off for a guy. If anything it’s a turn-on.3) If her being sweaty from the gym is a turn off for her because she feels gross or smelly, THEN TAKE A F*CKING SHOWER. It takes literally 5 minutes tops. You don’t have to do the full hair/face treatment. Just rinse the sweat off your body and maybe soap up a bit if you really need to. You shouldn’t be going to bed after the gym without showering first anyway, because THAT’s f*cking gross. Being too tired from work/chores/travel to have sex? Being too full from a big meal? All valid excuses. Being “too sweaty from the gym”? Not a valid excuse. The fact that this is her most common response is a huge red flag that she’s hiding the real reason.
hansSA took to Reddit to muse:
“Your husband is expressing LEGITIMATE concerns in an extremely immature and passive aggressive way. Clearly, the communication style in your relationship is sh*t. Fix it or don’t, it’s your marriage. Maybe you should shower right after the gym? Tell him to pitch in with chores so you’re not exhausted at night. There are literally a thousand things you guys can do to address these issues. Having a dead bedroom is a one way ticket to a divorce.”
JinDenver wrote on Deadspin:
“This shouldn’t be a list sent to her to show her why “she’s wrong” or something like that — no woman ever has to live under any requirement to have sex. That being said, the list should just be reasons why he should leave her. If she’s not interested in having a fulfilling sex life with him (and that’s 100% completely and absolutely fine if she’s not interested in it) then he should just move on. Shouldn’t have been a twit and sent it to her. She doesn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her husband. Just move on, man.”
Lisa Smith wrote on Buzzfeed:
“‘Denied him sex’? What so that’s her sole purpose? How about she chart all the times that she pointed out she wasn’t in the mood and he pushed her! I’d empty the bank accounts and serve divorce papers. The guy is a piece of crap.”
CarlosDangerMouse took to Deadspin with a request:
“I want to see her follow-up of the 6/10/2014, 6/27/2014, and 7/12/2014 events with the duration of intercourse and a column of whether or not she was able to orgasm.
On Reddit, gotrootdude stated:
“I’m not choosing sides on this one. He’s pissed. You’re pissed. Both of you are capable of acting irrationally and immature at the moment. When people are pissed, they aren’t always ready to calmly address the issues in a “mature” manner. But he wouldn’t have sent you that document if he wasn’t interested in fixing the problem, and you wouldn’t have attempted to call him if you weren’t interested in fixing the problem, so just chill and give each other some time to calm down. He’s bitter right now but I can’t exactly call his spreadsheet/bitterness or your bitter response to it immature. Everyone, no matter how mature, has their breaking point. BTW: It’s not the sex that’s the real issue. It’s the affection. It’s exceedingly rare when it’s only sex that’s the problem.
Usedtobehamnotono wrote on Deadspin:
“Honey, how do you expect me to get in the mood if you don’t even have colored drop-down selections for column B?”
On Twitter, @DaveLozo was sensible with his 140 characters:
A dude who makes a spreadsheet tracking his wife’s excuses for not having sex and a wife who posts it to Reddit are probably meant to be.
But the best have been the spreadsheet responses.
This guy’s chart documents all of his wife’s sexual rejections:
This man also made a spreadsheet about his wife’s excuses not to have sex and posted it to Reddit:
And there’s this one, our personal favourite, comes from TheFunnySister.com, in which they state that since there are two sides to every story, this might be their interpretation of what’s really going down in Original Spreadsheet’s house: