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It’s that terrifying time of year again. It’s time to establish your identity and cool factor by a costume. Are you Ironic? Old School? Brand Name? Sexy? Funny? Punny? WHO ARE YOU? But that’s not the only thing you’re being judged on! On Halloween the world is evaluating your costume, your pumpkin carving skills, and, most importantly, the candy you hand out. Think twice before you put out any old bowl of junk for the trick or treaters because you are what you make other people eat. Luckily for you we’re providing a handy guide so you don’t have to go candy shopping in the dark!

An Apple

You’re a witch. If you want to catch children, candy will work better. I know apples are delicious, I’m not a monster. But apples are NOT fun, unless they’re coated in hard red sugar. However, if you’re giving out candy apples you’re still a witch because we all know those are poisoned.

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Potato Chips

You respect junk food, and children’s need for it, but you also respect your savings account. You’re logical and I like you. The best Halloween candy can be expensive so opting for chips is a tasty alternative. Plus at some point everyone (including the parents stealing it from their children) gets sick of the sweet and a little salty is a delightful treat.

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Rockets and a Chocolate

You understand what tastes good, but you also understand nostalgia, and what makes your brain feel happy. You know everyone loves the smooth roundness of a chalky Rocket in their mouth and that washing it down with chocolate is the perfect mix. OR you’re my mother. Either way, your candy selection is perfect.

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Wunderbar Mix (Caramilk, Mr. Big, Wunderbar, Crispy Crunch)

You’re like the Big Bad Wolf, selfish but smart (costume idea!). You love junk food so much you have to buy the worst kind so that you don’t eat it all before Halloween. It seems like an victimless crime, but it’s not. Think of all the children who get the Crispy Crunch insides stuck in their molars.

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Nestle Mix (Smarties, Aero, Kit Kat, Coffee Crisp)

Ya basic and your costume is probably inaccurately sexy. But, like whatever obvious trend you’re wearing while you read this (is it cold shoulders? Are we still doing cold shoulders?), it works. Unlike your shoulder-less shirt, these chocolates are classics. And nut free.

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Tootsie Rolls

You love Justin Theroux, James Franco and Chloe Sevigny. You’ll dress up for Halloween but it’ll always be vintage (I Love Lucy anyone? No? You don’t get the reference? Perfect.) You’re trying to be ironic and it’s a waste of every child’s time. Leave your irony for your costume and use your best taste for your candy selection.

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Toothbrush

You know what you are and you owe everyone an apology. You’re scarier than Pennywise and should disappear this time of year. We’re trying to have a fun Halloween and here you are reminding us about fluoride and your giant fingers in our mouths. Argh. You make me sick.

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Something that has ‘no refined sugar’ or is 100% Fruit Juice

You have one child who is under the age of five. You’re sweet and trying your best, but you’re wondering why you’re always exhausted and can’t seem to get everything done. This candy is one of the reasons. You also use the “Candy Witch” who trades your child’s Halloween candies for toys and is behind the fall of democracy. Next year, once your child is six, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered.

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A Whole Chocolate Bar

You’re a generous show off. You’ve probably always been one. You have lots of friends (why wouldn’t you – you’re giving out gold), but sometimes they wish they could reset expectations. They’re always looking for outlet sales on high-end gifts to attempt to repay you. But they can’t. Whole chocolate bars for ghoul’s sakes!

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Now, go my little ones, be on your way – wiser, smarter, sweeter – ready to make good confectionary decisions. May your trick or treaters fall at your feet in thanks and not TP your house in rage!