The other day Simon and I were shopping because new year, new underwear: am I right?
I saw a basket filled with lacy little numbers in bold prints and bright colours and held up a pair.
“No way,” he said.
“Excuse me?” I replied.
Then he grabbed a $10 five-pack of unadorned white cotton high-waisted briefs. “These right here,” he said. “These are the winners!”
According to the Sydney Morning Herald we are either in the “get comfy” phase of our relationship or the “acceptance underwear” phase.
That’s right: “Nothing indicates the stage of a relationship better than the underwear we choose to wear while in it,” writes Kylie Orr. “Our partnerships and levels of desire fluctuate over time, so – whether we are in plunging necklines or nude-coloured granny knickers – what is worn underneath can convey just where we are in our long-term unions.”
Orr outlines five stages:
1. New lust: “Those first invigorating months of a new relationship are like gulping water from a fire hydrant,” writes Orr. Think: “Sexy, risque, kinky”.
2. Get comfy: “When things move into that blissful, cosy phase in a relationship – when know that, if we do something outrageous like pass wind, the relationship won’t blow apart – the undergarments transition.” Think “still-sexy but more comfortable underwear,” like “silky drawers, bright briefs or cute boyleg numbers”.
3. Maternity/post-baby: “Comfort and practicality are the only considerations now,” Orr says. “The Big Kahunas of underwear kick in during the post-birth phase; maxi pads the size of surfboards are not easily housed in skimpy intimates, so full coverage is a must.”
4. Suck it in, ladies: “We finally have enough energy to get ourselves out of the house and dress up to feel human. However, muffin tops spilling over skinny jeans don’t do much for the self-esteem so praise the shapewear lords as we pour ourselves into those industrial-strength elasticised britches.”
5. Acceptance underwear: “They are the undergarments we choose when we finally let our body be what it is, when we no longer obsess over impressing others with our wares. This is a time for underwear that is functional and quality-made.”
Holy smokes do you know what I just realized? Remember the red washroom scene in The Shining when the bartender tells Jack that he’s always been the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel? Well I think I’ve always worn “Acceptance underwear”. Think about that.