Zombies — they’re easy to elude, right? Of all the supernatural creatures out there threatening to bite your flesh and turn you into a glorified night walker, they really are the least threatening. So why the heck are we so obsessed with them, and how do they keep on killing people? If you really think about it, this is where Darwin’s rules of survival really come into play. If you’re dumb enough to be bitten by a zombie, well, you sort of deserve it, no?
They’re slower than a granny in a walker
Unless a zombie has been exposed to some sort of biological agent that gives them extra powers, there’s really no excuse as to why you can’t outrun them. It’s not even like you have to win a race — all you have to do is be faster than the stumbling, tripping dead guy (or gal).
Just shoot them/stab them/kick their head in
All it takes to kill a zombie is a good shot to the noggin’. No special bullets. No wooden stakes to worry about sharpening. You don’t even have to get close to zombies to kill ’em. No gun? No problem. Your feet work just as well on their rotted flesh, as do sticks, stones and all those other things we learned from an early age on what can break your bones.
Don’t lock yourself in a closed space
Why do we even have to spell this one out for you? Just as you would yell at the girl for going back into the house in any given horror movie, dumb people seem to always want to lock themselves into a room where there’s one exit. Obviously a horde of zombies will come and get you if you take such action. Congrats on becoming their lunch.
Why are you running back into the woods?
Everyone knows that zombies love congregating in forests, so why do people run into them? Your average person gets lost in a forest without zombies to worry about, so clearly they’re not a great option when evading a biter. And if you are in a forest, wouldn’t it make sense to climb a damn tree? Last we checked, zombies can’t climb things.
Just act like a freaking zombie already
Zombies aren’t clever; they eat brains, probably because they don’t have any. How hard is it to rub some dead organs on your sleeves (yes, gross, but you do what you have to do), drag your feet, cock your head to the side and groan? Everyone knows that zombies don’t eat other zombies. So why on earth wouldn’t you take that opportunity and save yourself?
They don’t even have limbs
Rotting flesh = severed limbs. Are you seriously telling us that you couldn’t escape this?
Put them in a damned cage…
…And throw away the key. If you can’t think up this one on your own, then you should probably be locked up in there with them.
Just pick them off
Has no one else noticed that zombies never look up? Their fragile necks would probably crack. Why more people don’t take to rooftops and drop crap on them is beyond us. It’s so easy it could probably even become a drinking game.
They’re literally like sheep
What happens when a zombie gets killed? The next zombie does the exact same thing. They’re sheep, or lemurs. If one goes, they all go. Are you really telling us that you can’t outsmart a sheep?
Just do it already
If you have mercy, that’s your own fault. Sorry, but if something dead is trying to tear our limbs off, we’re going to kill it — and kill it fast. Those who feel it’s inhumane can just deal with actually becoming inhumane — when they turn into a zombie or are ripped to shreds. Case closed.
Still love zombies? There’s a new breed hitting the town when Z Nation hits TV screens on Friday, Sept. 12 at 10 p.m. ET on Space.