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Woman in Germany squirted breast milk in distraction theft, police say
That’s one way to get someone’s attention. Police say a woman at a German pharmacy squirted breastmilk at a store clerk in order to distract him as she swiped cash from a nearby register. It all began when the woman entered saying she was interested in buying a breast pump. When she went to pay for it, she pulled her shirt down and used her hand to squirt milk all over the counter. When she didn’t end up buying anything, staff quickly realized about $140 was missing from the register. Police are still investigating.

French town bans clown costumes for a month
Can’t sleep…clown’ll eat me. Mayor Pierre Dudieuzere of Vendargues, France issued a decree earlier this week that banned clown costumes for anyone over the age of 13. This comes after several pranksters dressed as the creepy Wasco Clown while they wreaked havoc across the country. Last weekend, 14 teens dressed as scary clowns were seen wielding guns, knives and baseball bats. What a funny prank…

Man drops cigarette, runs over own head
You’re probably trying to figure out how someone was able to run over their own head. Good question! When an unidentified Colorado man dropped a lit cigarette in his vehicle, he decided to best way to avoid being burnt was to open the door and bail. Because a minor burn is apparently worse than, you know, death. Once he jumped out, the vehicle knocked the driver over as it rolled backwards, and then ran over his skull. He suffered serious injuries, but is expected to make a full recovery.

Bestiality Porn Charge Dropped After Tiger Found To Be Guy In Tiger Suit
That must’ve been one convincing actor. Andrew Holland, 51, had his life turned upside down after he says friends sent him clips of some raunchy pornography. Under U.K.’s Extreme Pornography Act, beastality is considered illegal. So when officials found out that Holland was in possession of what they thought was illicit porn, he was placed under arrest. The problem? Authorities watched the clips without listening to the audio, so they never heard when the man dressed as a tiger exclaimed “They’re grrreat!” like Frosted Flakes’ Tony the Tiger. Whoops!

Tony the Tiger

Washington state man charged with trying to move river
Now that’s an ambitious criminal. William Cayo Sr. of Washington state is accused of using an excavator and bulldozer combination in an attempt to alter the Tahuya River. Why? He was allegedly trying to fill the active channel by moving 5,745 square metres of the river bed. He’s since been charged with violating the water pollution control act and the shoreline management act.