Have you ever seen a man in a Speedo and thought: “Damn, if only that thing were more revealing.”
Well you’re in luck, because the asymmetric man-thong (also known as the c-string, which, fortunately for you ladies, has its own ridiculous female-iteration) is the latest trend in barely-there beachwear. For the rest of us though, we just hope it won’t last; or at the very least, stays in California.
What the revealing garment is, essentially, is a banana hammock with one sling. All that the boulder holder covers is the penis, scrotum, and a very thin strip of skin courtesy of the inch-wide fabric that reaches from a man’s package to his butt crack.
Warning: Based on your perception of what constitutes “revealing”, things are about to get seriously NSFW. Without further ado, here is a picture of the asymmetric man-thong, or as the advertisement hails the overvalued piece of fabric, “The most minimalist male underwear, ever.”
Turned on yet?
Despite the swimwear models’ hairless I-only-eat-lettuce-wraps-and-protein-shakes-but-it’s-totally-worth-it physiques, these garments almost always produce a chuckle at first glance, but as you linger, disgust quickly builds up. I’ve yet to hear of someone puking, but I won’t rule it out. Perhaps if I was wearing one you would. I did volunteer to, but my co-workers were more than okay with the photos provided from the retail website; which I can certainly appreciate as I didn’t have to remove every hair from my body.
According to various reviews on Amazon, this not-so-sexy tackle concealer has been purchased for activities beyond bachelor parties and horrifying your wife. Some comments on the site have insisted that the item is ideal if you are “toned” and “have an awesome ass”. But also warn that the “product doesn’t fit without glue in your ass crack”.
Others are less enthusiastic, and feel the garment could use more support. “A word to the wise, after sitting for a while it fell out. Luckily, it didn’t fall out of my shorts, the front was still (more or less) secured, but the rear half fell out. I had to excuse myself to the restroom, so no big deal, but maybe not for everyday wear.”
Another insists it is only logical for the less endowed: “Pay heed to the item description. ‘One size fits MOST.’ It stretches, but it’s hard — or perhaps impossible — to get all of your junk in this trunk. If your big mac is totally super-sized, I’d say probably not your style.”
Still interested? The official product retails for roughly $20 to 30, which one might consider a steal when compared to other in-vogue fashions. Before I grab a pair of my own though, I have some questions:
- When you do dive into the water, what keeps the piece from falling off?
- Should one become aroused, is the wearer out of luck?
- Can one without serious butt muscles keep the C-string between the cheeks?
- If the water is cold and your package shrinks, does it just drop off?
- When wearing the white model, does the garment indeed leave nothing to the imagination?
- How in the hell are these considered legal? And, how long until they aren’t?
So there you have it. I guess where innovation is concerned in the swimwear category (if there is any left, that is) less is more. If you do choose to purchase a pair for your guy and your hubby isn’t so hot on wearing one, pass it off to your kids as a slingshot or something. Just wash it first.